Sex is like pizza. Even bad pizza is still pretty good pizza.

Letting the neighborhood kids use my yard for sledding. Looks like they're having fun. DEAR GOD I DON'T HAVE A ROBE ON!

Mom's coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

OK. I've picked out the 20 players I want to have sex with. You said it was fantasy football, right?

I'm giving up sex for lent. There. I said it. Oh. Wait. Was it supposed to be something I get a lot of?

I think Judge Judy should be in charge of interrogating terrorists.

Who do I have to screw to get some stars around here??

There's nothing that can't be deep fried if you want it bad enough.

The best thing about twitter newbies is watching them try to talk to celebrities.

It's not a MUTE point - it's a MOOT point. Ya' fucking MORON.

Trying to be fancy with my pancakes. So far that's two I'll be scraping of the ceiling later.

Look, if you're ALL going to retweet @ConanOBrien 's tweets only one of us needs to follow him. Work it out, amongst yourselves, people.

Gentlemen, please remember: anal is not a right - it's a privilege.

My grandma always used to say "Don't be the person selling bad news biscuits!" I still don't know what the fuck that means.

Octomom's Valentine's Day date said he was hoping to get lots of 'octopus.'

Of course the Canadian women won the gold medal in hockey. It's not like they're getting laid.

Getting ready to have a nachorgasm

When asked if I have any regrets, I feel like maybe I should apologize to my mom for making her buy me all those Bay City Rollers Albums.

A unitard seems quite...unforgiving.

If you have 16 kids with 9 different baby mamas I think you should be next in line for castration. Just sayin'.