Sex is like pizza. Even bad pizza is still pretty good pizza.

The best thing about twitter newbies is watching them try to talk to celebrities.

Mom's coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

OK. I've picked out the 20 players I want to have sex with. You said it was fantasy football, right?

You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.

Letting the neighborhood kids use my yard for sledding. Looks like they're having fun. DEAR GOD I DON'T HAVE A ROBE ON!

It's not a MUTE point - it's a MOOT point. Ya' fucking MORON.

I think Judge Judy should be in charge of interrogating terrorists.

Who do I have to screw to get some stars around here??

Gentlemen, please remember: anal is not a right - it's a privilege.

I'm giving up sex for lent. There. I said it. Oh. Wait. Was it supposed to be something I get a lot of?

There's nothing that can't be deep fried if you want it bad enough.

Trying to be fancy with my pancakes. So far that's two I'll be scraping of the ceiling later.

Of course the Canadian women won the gold medal in hockey. It's not like they're getting laid.

My grandma always used to say "Don't be the person selling bad news biscuits!" I still don't know what the fuck that means.

Look, if you're ALL going to retweet @conanobrien 's tweets only one of us needs to follow him. Work it out, amongst yourselves, people.

Octomom's Valentine's Day date said he was hoping to get lots of 'octopus.'

Getting ready to have a nachorgasm

Girls Gone Wild has filed for bankruptcy. What's up with that? You guys don't like college tits anymore?

When asked if I have any regrets, I feel like maybe I should apologize to my mom for making her buy me all those Bay City Rollers Albums.