@shebanggs @gneicco @juicymorsel You've just been Steel Magnolia Ambushed.

@_lump @allthatandmoore Ladies, please alert the authorities should the need arise.

Supposed to see my crush tomorrow. Would one of you please be kind and dash my hopes so I don't expect too much?

I can never watch anything on tv that requires concentration. I'm on twitter. You don't expect me to multitask too, do you?

Wait. Jerry Lewis is still alive?

It's pretty sad when your order $40 of Chinese food and they already know you only need one set of chopsticks.

Make fun of Klout if you will, but I get all kinds of free shit from them. Play the game. You don't get too many things for free nowadays.

Are Chinese eggs different than American eggs? I've never made any eggs that look like this.

Sometimes it IS rocket surgery.

ABC Family is showing 'Burlesque.' Another fine night of family viewing.

I smell like vanilla and lethargy.

And tomorrow night I will be live tweeting as I assemble my Maroon 5 playlist.

Does anybody understanding a single fucking word of any ELO song?

Going to a cooking class with someone from  http://Match.com  seems much scarier than sitting on my couch eating Fritos. So no.

I've been really chatty today. What's wrong with you people? Why didn't somebody shush me?

@binobangout Look at you. Lookin like you all fine. Like you're having a great time. Look at you. You smile with all your teeth. 1000 watts

A box of tampons automatically comes with two scoops of crazy.

Stop pulling on that chain! It keeps my wallet in my pants!

#tweetliketheoppositegender

<----------------- Ready to be your wingman.

Am I the only one that thinks it's funny when they say "the jury is hung?"