Why THE FUCK not you?

Spent all day finding the perfect shade of lipstick for my labia. Now I'm ready for that kiss!

The creep that lives across the street from you also sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake.

If this performance sucks, I don’t care that they’re 1st graders, I’m booing.

Sex is like playing cards.
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

You antisocial fuckwads know this is a social networking site, right?

My tits are real. Shame the same can't be said about your personality, fuckbag.

How many years bad luck do you get if you drop a bottle of Blue Moon beer on the concrete garage floor?..nevermind, I will just kill myself!

I've been sober 200 days. Not in a row, just in general.

Kids get diagnosed as hyperactive because parents are too lazy to Google "kids".

You shouldn't have to bribe people to like you, no matter the monetary value. Take your trophy & send it to a starving kid in Africa. Dork.

Whatever, I know I'm not the only one that licks my phones touchscreen to clean it. In public, slowly...

I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.

I don't speak spanish so I'm not sure if these two ladies want to have a 3some or clean my house

We live in a world where:
It's illegal to buy a plant and smoke it.
Same sex couples can't marry each other.
I can't own a midget.
BULLSHIT!

I don't think you have any idea how demanding I can be.
Do you?
Well, DO YOU?

On the road today. Please give me the strength not to run people over and make pancakes out of them. I have no syrup.

Being an adult sucks, until you realize you can eat cocoa puffs for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I can't stress how different it is hearing advice from someone who's actually applied it with success vs somebody who 'wants' it to be true.

I laughed at a baby for falling flat on his face today and don’t even feel bad about it FUCK WITH ME.