I don't speak spanish so I'm not sure if these two ladies want to have a 3some or clean my house

I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time

Sex is awesome as long as you don't catch or create anything

My gay neighbor is banging some dude and usually I wouldn't mind but he's giving it good to a guy with the same first name as me. Loudly.

Ill hold your hair, regardless of the activity

If your avi is an egg I assume you are ovulating and I. Stay. The. Fuck. Away

Twitter is an odd place where the hot girls want to show smart & the smart girls want to show hot & the ones that show both rule the world.

My 4yo son just asked what squirrels eat.
I answered nuts.
We laughed so hard, hugged, and gave each other a high 5.
My boy.

Had a dream so real about my twitter-crush last night that I know for a fact she is walking funny today

Saying 'Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?' only works in the movies and not with strangers at Sports Authority

I forget what I used to do with my arms before I got my iPhone.

Did I hang them down by my side?

Straight above my head?

I really forget.

Sliding a tweet in between 2 females on the TL is about as close to a 3some as I'm getting

Betcha Dora has like 14 of her cousins stored in that backpack

Just think, if twitter were around in the 50's, females would only be able to favorite and retweet

The best tweets leave one person smiling and everyone else thinking you've half lost your mind.

Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he's gonna get to wear it.

Facebook is the Beatles. All proper and polished & Twitter is like the Stones. A great group to get fucked up and party with.

You owe most of your followers to retweets.

Don't lose sight of that, superstar.

my friends think im texting all the time lol

One of my female friends told me she uses a shower head to get off... I report no orgasms but you can now eat off my butt hole its so clean