If you cut your clit shaving, do you use a band-aid? Asking for a friend.

I'M CUTE!!! YOU'LL BE BACK!!! Jack Daniels to our neighbor.

I lost my cherry years ago, but I've still got the box it came in!

Just because you ignore the facts, they don't cease to exist!

That awkward moment when your husband tells all of his tweeps what color bra you're wearing today.

@lisafarted hell yeah! You wanna start a business with me? 'Wake N' Bake Pizza'.

@chopper4jk @omgwtfever Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father. Prepare to die!

Twitter: for when your own voices aren't keeping you entertained.

@lisafarted as long as there's no house arrest anklet, we're good to go! Now get in the trunk.

@mrs_coyle yikes! My mom lost her leg to diabetes but she tells people it was a shark attack in the local freshwater river.

@pokey_pineapple @raiderdan11 lol! You're so twisted. That's why we love you!

Staying in the car like a good little bitch lmao!

I unfollow for 2 reasons: ur boring or u piss me off.

@spartacuffs "I am so <furry> and need some attention for my big <penis>. I have been <fluff>ing myself all day. Wanna marry me?"

Prepare for a first from me guys: drunk tweets!!!

@lisafarted but excellent yo-yos if you cut the umbillical long enough. ;)

@sweetdevilbitch #HolyElderAbuseBatMan

Listen here weed man, I have money, you have weed. I want weed GET THE FUCK OUTTA BED IF YOU WANT THIS MONEY!!! Been waiting 4 hours now!!!

Even though they're chickens, I would still call animal control right?

@nonstopawesome so... how'd it taste?