This guy won't shut up about how he's "afraid to use his new washing machine". Someone should just tell him to put a sock in it

It's ok for the pot to call the kettle black. So long as it doesn't use the "n" word.

Terrorists are smuggling bombs onto planes and I'm too much of a wuss to take my own sweets into the cinema...

Seatbelts on planes are like watching porn for TV repair skills...

Nothing more self satisfying than watching a foreign sales assistant going into the back to check for stocks of "extra medium" T-shirts.

When at a urinal: apparently its not socially acceptable to cross streams with the person next to you and shout "ghostbusters!"

How many stars do I need to get before I can claim a free coffee?

$6.00 for Ambien! How do these people sleep at night?!

In show business, never work with animals or children. Never a truer word spoken, Ron Jeremy.

Twitter is like Facebook if it were to run with scissors.

I love shouting "I won, I won" when withdrawing money from an ATM.

Anyone else find it a little weird that a lot of Labrador owners wind up going blind?

Oh this? This is a bottle of wine. I won second prize in the nosy bastard competition.

Passing that cheerleading exam was easy! I just went in and said "gimme an A"

There was a lot of good looking People out and about today. Glad I was there to restore the balance of the universe.

Remind me that whenever 'sensitive' is written on antiperspirant, it actually means 'shitty'.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Infertility runs in my family.

Man I feel like Jesus. Sure Noah got the credit for building the ark. But who was the carpenter again? Also, the new followers. Thanks guys

I think it goes without saying...