NSFW (but worth risking your job over) RT @cantthink_str8: Ginger perfection -- @kennedy_carter...Oh YUM! Photo: http://t.co/0PzwhAe7

I once had a boyfriend who refused to get me hobnobs from the shop because he thought I'd made them up.

@russelltovey could we get a RT? Friend missing. Frequented LDN scene. pic.twitter.com/uL4MzpCt

@mzlamara happy birthday. Get shit faced. X

Overheard in street. Little girl to father, very matter of factly: "Jesus lives in a church because he is dead."

Doughnut? It has sprinkles. http://t.co/qltePIej

@handsomesmiler I cheated a bit. I was using my tongue too.

*Waits for nudity to begin*

Go to sleep, brain. You don't need to be up this early, you knob.

@smartassbastard Don't give us Croc wearers! We hate em too! Middle class mums like crocs.

“@butter_pie: "Lisa no! Your hands are too weak!"” pic.twitter.com/kDDsfSC9Au

My boyfriend's a morning person. I suffer insomnia. It's the yin and yang of relationships that make them so worthwhi... *stabs face*

Having to sit through the adverts on Catch Up TV because someone is sleeping on you and you can't reach the remote.

Sat here lol-ing about @martinhe3's family meal. Sounds raucous.

How utterly cool and cute is this Orchid? Orchis italica or Naked man orchid. Yep, I said naked. pic.twitter.com/0zV6CFZ83Q

Holy crap! I just ate far too much chocolate and now I'm sweating like a rapist in a glass blower's arse!

Beyonce beyonce. Shakira shakira. Lyrics, man. Lyrics.

I get real twitchy when my internet goes down. It's back now. I've put the knife down. You can get up and stop bleeding profusely now.

That moment when your boy sends you a picture of himself in naught but his batman pants and you can't see him for another week. *Bites fist*

My favourite west country accent quote is "Oooh, I can feel it fizzin' in me fanny" (Porn star, Cathy Barry)