Smashed a bug then drew a teardrop below my eye with a sharpie. #thuglife

Fun Fact: Did you know that if you put your ear up to a strangers leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"

I seriously oppose child labour. Children have no sense of quality and it shows in the product.

I had a rough day. First my ex got hit by a truck. Then my CDL got suspended.

Playing leapfrog with a unicorn is probably not the most fun way to lose your v-card.

If I was a cop I'd scream "PIKACHUUUUUUU!!!!" whenever I tased someone.

"You people always call on me when you want something. No one ever calls just to say 'Hi.'" -Jesus

"Have I made myself clear?" "Nope. I can still see you."

I do 5 sit-ups every morning. Now that might not sound like much, but there're only so many times I can hit my snooze button.

Don't try to make us feel bad for eating meat, vegetarians. How many innocent plants had to die to make your last meal?... Yeah.

I'm gonna change my license plate to IB6UB9 *eyebrow bounce*

Such a shame that Noah left the unicorns behind.

*moonwalks up & down your timeline then stops to pelvic thrust*

I bet a crowded elevator smells different to a midget.

Kobe's probably sitting on his couch cracking up.

I want my own big, fancy office just so I can spin around in the chair and say, "I've been expecting you."

I hope I don't have one of those always-draw-the-sun-at-the-corner-of-the-paper type of kids.

Hey Math, stop getting everyone to look for your "x." She's not coming back.

I'm just a regular girl. Thanks to my high fiber diet.

"YOU WILL NEVER BE NUMBER ONE!!!" -me to my #2 pencil