It's 2012 and we're still pooping in toilets.

If a slice of zucchini bread were a space ship I would have just eaten a space ship.

Found a leprechaun and elbowed him so hard in the nose that Skittles started pouring out of his nostrils.

Skittles - Taste my elbow.

I would procreate with a biscuits & gravy humanoid. Basically I'm saying I'd put my junk in biscuits & gravy. Didn't have breakfast. Hungry.

I should run to the store to obtain deodorant or become a NASCAR fan. I'll decide soon.

Are the Backstreet boys still cool? I found a sleeveless Lacoste shirt in the garbage and I was thinking about wearing it to the mall.

If I were a bear that built my own house and came home to find one of my chairs busted, we'd be having a side of bitch with our porridge.

Hey God, if you can hear me, please quit getting everyone all worked up with your passive aggressive nature. Also, more money please.

I got 99 followers but a bitch ain't one.

I'm assuming.

Great thing bout staplers; they can be shoved up your boss' ass while you walk out of the building in slow motion to 'We Are the Champions.'

The more I think about it the more I dislike chick farts.

Put a sandwich by a kitten, took a picture, labeled it "Sandwich Vs. Kitten" and I think I am so awesome. Just ask everyone.

"'Something I said.' -Me quoting a quote of mine". -I said this.

Lets settle this with a scissor race to the death.

I'm assuming you cut me off because you want to die. Meet me behind the currency exchange at 6:45 and I'll tickle you to death. With a gun.

Name one good thing about your girlfriends armpit hair.

Some guys like seeing a girls booty clap. I like seeing a sexy lady perform a painful belly flop off a diving board.

My love handles are perfect for my new career as a conga line dancer. Also, I'm poor.

If I had a daughter I would miss the shit out of all her recitals.

100th tweet about eating a baby. Check.