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It's 2012 and we're still pooping in toilets.
If a slice of zucchini bread were a space ship I would have just eaten a space ship.
Found a leprechaun and elbowed him so hard in the nose that Skittles started pouring out of his nostrils.
Skittles - Taste my elbow.
I would procreate with a biscuits & gravy humanoid. Basically I'm saying I'd put my junk in biscuits & gravy. Didn't have breakfast. Hungry.
I should run to the store to obtain deodorant or become a NASCAR fan. I'll decide soon.
Are the Backstreet boys still cool? I found a sleeveless Lacoste shirt in the garbage and I was thinking about wearing it to the mall.
If I were a bear that built my own house and came home to find one of my chairs busted, we'd be having a side of bitch with our porridge.
Hey God, if you can hear me, please quit getting everyone all worked up with your passive aggressive nature. Also, more money please.
I got 99 followers but a bitch ain't one.
Great thing bout staplers; they can be shoved up your boss' ass while you walk out of the building in slow motion to 'We Are the Champions.'
The more I think about it the more I dislike chick farts.
Put a sandwich by a kitten, took a picture, labeled it "Sandwich Vs. Kitten" and I think I am so awesome. Just ask everyone.
"'Something I said.' -Me quoting a quote of mine". -I said this.
Lets settle this with a scissor race to the death.
I'm assuming you cut me off because you want to die. Meet me behind the currency exchange at 6:45 and I'll tickle you to death. With a gun.
Name one good thing about your girlfriends armpit hair.
Some guys like seeing a girls booty clap. I like seeing a sexy lady perform a painful belly flop off a diving board.
My love handles are perfect for my new career as a conga line dancer. Also, I'm poor.
If I had a daughter I would miss the shit out of all her recitals.
100th tweet about eating a baby. Check.
Run, Jump, & Kick all Awesome like. That's how I live. You can tell by how I tweet.