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This guy said he masterbates thinking about me. That means he loves me, right?
If only working out was as much fun as drinking vodka and playing video games *sigh*
If you sound like a cave man i'll probably punch you. If you look like a cave man i'll probably fuck you.
I'm going to sing everything I say today. I feel like today should be the day I check getting shot off my bucket list.
Attention gentleman: Nothing says virgin like a rat tail down to your tramp stamp.
I kinda wish I looked more manly so I could be Dexter for Halloween
"Zeke would be so upset if he knew his parents burried him in a clean pair of chucks. It's ok, he hated you guys anyway." #hipstereulogies
Sober saturday nights are probably comparable to being picked last in gym class.
Since when is drinking heavily a bad idea?!?
Friend: I'm gonna touch myself Me:LOL Friend: I'm lonely
In the words of a wise friend toddlers in tiaras is "powerful birth control!"
Sympathy to the families in Norway who lost loved ones. I can't even imagine. #TooMuchHateInThisWorld
There's a guy on craigslist who wants 2 go see cap america & then play the game of clue. Except u can't play the game. That 1s 4 the police.
Across the plantation #RacistBeatles
The unicorn sitting next to me says hi.
Hey Casey Anthony how do you feel about baby sitting adults? Cool? Hit me up.