Fuck is like the Ranch Dressing of words. Its good with everything.

As I grow older, I realize that insanity is more of a gift than a curse.

Sometimes, being with my family makes me look forward to Alzheimer's.

So broke right now, if a motherfucker robbed me, he’d just be practicing.

I think Sarcasm should be classified as an emotion.

I wonder if a coke dealer has ever uttered the words "I have pepsi..is that ok?"

Ummm yeah I got nothin. Keep scrollin.

I love a woman that doesnt hesitate to talk shit right back to me.

Tattoos

~Because grownup rides have warning signs.

I’m smarter than people give me creditation for.

Just saw a coworker sprayin febreze on her feet. I dont even know how to react to this. Just…Damn.

D.A.R.E

Drugs Are Really Excellent

If you’re a female that says the word “burp” while burping… I fucking Love You!

You. I like that shit.

Damn I wish I could star some of your bios.

I just want someone that knows everything about me and still likes me.

People always wonder why I dont let anyone in. Once I do they find a way to twist it and use it against me.

My mind is about as slow as a one legged turtle crawling uphill through crunchy peanut butter right about now...and my elbow feels wet

Im the only Hell my parents ever raised.

I dont smoke to get high. I smoke to bring me down to a tolerable level.