Just know that if you offer me Jelly Belly's but hold out a palm full of jelly beans you will be receiving a face full of jelly beans.

Never puts out on the first date my ass!

Some of you really need to have your mouths washed out with soap.
Sick motherfuckers.

Have you ever tried NOT breathing?
It may seem like an impossible task but you really shouldn't give up so easily.

How was I supposed to know they don't play 'Punt the Cat' in this country?!!
Guess I'll apologise when she comes down from the roof.
:(

Never mind what I'm doing on the back of this Walrus!
Kindly pick up the monocle and hand it back to him so that we may be on our way!

Just heard The Beckhams might be moving into our neighbourhood.
I see that fucker running around in his undies and I WILL stick my foot out.

Listening to you talk is bout as fun as licking a Popsicle stick &running my fingernails down a blackboard while having my prostate checked.

I dreamt of us as children
Wind tickled your hair
Sun sparkled in your eyes
Laughter danced through the air
And your smile kissed my heart.

I'm not sure what time it is in North America, but it's "Drink O' Fucking Clock" here in the UK.

LESS GITCHIE GITCHIE, MORE YA YA, PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

I like Creole ladies, but I'm not very fond of marmalade:(

No, I am NOT The Red Baron.
Now kindly ask your dog to stop throwing his food bowl at me.
And tell him to take off that ridiculous scarf!

It's not that this Tiger Balm claims to 'Ease and sooth' flatulence that confuses me, it's that it says 'Apply to affected area'.

Have you kicked a penguin today?

Just to be clear, I wasn't insinuating that Wham! is better than Queen.
I simply mistook one white gay British dude for another.
It happens.

I'm not sorry for making you feel like a smuck for not being a better man.
I am sorry your parents didn't teach you better manners though.

My wife just came out on the 'Tomatoes Are A Fruit' side and now I've got some shit to reconsider.

A tiger and a donkey are talking to each other.
I must have eaten the wrong brownies:/

I accidentally hit the Discover button on the Twitter App.
I've never been so fucking scared in my whole life:/