My husband and I are at that great place in our relationship where we don't get jealous anymore. We both know we have no other options.

You can tell I'm "Mother of the Year" because I grab my wine glass before heading into another room to see what that crashing sound was.

My husband knows I am saying something with 100% confidence when I follow it up with "I'll bet you a blow-job I'm right."

I don't care what color, gender, religious or sexual orientation you are, the only people I hold any prejudice for are the stupid.

I wish it was socially acceptable (& legal) to discipline the children of irresponsible strangers.

Strangers sure react unpredictably when I make eye contact with them at the mall while I'm holding my husband's hand & I mouth "help me".

Sometimes I drink a glass of water just to keep my liver guessing.

So, if it's true that men think about sex every 7 seconds, and they don't finish eating a hot dog in 6 seconds does it get weird?

I work with a paranoid guy. Every other day I open 1 drawer on his desk 1 inch and then I sit back and enjoy the show.

I've never made a grand entrance to a party before. I have made some pretty spectacular exits though!

Do you want to know what doesn't make sense to me? Balls. Something that sensitive shouldn't be dangling on the outside like that.

No, Grandpa, you butt dialed me, you did not booty call me. Please do not mix that up again!

Some nights I lay awake wondering why chicken breasts don't have nipples.

It gives me great comfort knowing I am somebody's reason to masturbate.

I just farted so loud that it scared the cat so bad it did one of those Shaggy & Scooby runs in mid air before finally running under the bed

This could be the whiskey & pain pills talking, but I fucking love whiskey and pain pills!!

If there is one more spill on one more couch cushion in my house we're screwed because we're out of flips.

Do you think 4/19 is like Black Friday for weed dealers?

The worst time to have a heart attack would have to be during a game of charades. Especially if your teammates are bad guessers.

I can do anything you can do, only drunker.