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Someone asked if I was excited for the big game this weekend. For sure, I can't wait for a new Game of Thrones!! What other game is there?
You would think that 20+ years of being yanked out with tweezers would eventually send a hint to these unwanted eyebrow hairs...
I remember a time when my Grandma kept a hanky up her sleeve if she had no pockets. That's what I do with my phone if I have no pockets...
This wine tastes like vodka and grape juice... At least I know what I'm drinking next after the bottle is empty!
My kid is so messy, kicking all the crap on the floor into the corners is just way easier than actually bending over and picking it all up.
The pants I'm wearing have a huge hole due to thigh-rub. Currently, zero fucks are being given!!
I did some writing with an actual pen & now my finger is numb. Obviously, I must poke everybody I see to check if feeling has returned yet.
I'm so hungry I could eat a baby! Species irrelevant...
Carried a cup of tea and wore my bathrobe to the corner to put my daughter on the bus this morning. Living the life!
"How It's Made" is reality tv for intellectual pot heads.
The day I noticed that my husbands eyeballs make a sound when he blinks was the day I realized I'll eventually have to kill him.
The kid is watching the game with her father. No matter who scores, they yell "Touchdown!" & reach down and touch the floor with both hands.
To be repeated a minimum of 9,000 times today: "Hey Mom..." "Yes hun?" "Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas to you too kiddo."
No, Grandpa, you butt dialed me, you did not booty call me. Please do not mix that up again!
Do you suppose it's possible that dryer lint is actually the remains of a missing sock?
Best part of getting old has to be the simultaneous wrenching of my back and peeing of my pants while sneezing...
My A.D.D. is so bad, not even Twitter stands a chance holding my interest for very long.
I am quite certain that my lack of success in life can be attributed to the fact that I'm generally very lazy & tire easily. Plus, booze...
If I had it to do over again, I'd be more insistent on finding a man who is less afraid of spiders than I am.