I bet Sarah Jessica Parker could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence

Yes- I'm the asshole that rearranges your Christmas deers in your front yard to doggie style !

I shaved my goatee thinking it would give my wife a hint and it did- she shaved her goatee too

If Sears goes out of business where am I going to get my Tough Skin jeans ?

Did any other guys get a "thank you" note from planned parenthood after their vasectomy ?

I wonder if a proctologist has ever walked into a furniture store and said "let me see you stool samples" ?

Since I'm in the Christmas spirit I'm going to take a red & a green pill

Fast Halloween costume- I printed off picture of a room full of black dudes-taped it to front of my shirt & going as Kim kardashian's vagina

The chic beside me is so skinny that she’s 2 face flies away from being in a hunger commercial

Just farted on an elevator full of deaf folks -no drama just a bunch of finger pointing

If you eat a kids meal at Subway it entitles you to a nap and a pants shit right?

I sent Casey Anthony $$ with a note that says: use the $ to buy a strong rope -one that will support your weight - the tree is free

Just saw a commercial with Bon Jovi for Advil- cant wait another 10 yrs and when he does the reverse mortgage !!

This lesbian at the bar keeps sticking her tongue out at me so either she hatesvme or has a boner

Nothing comes between me and my Levi jeans except for Baby Gold Bond and Prep H

Wish the 5 sec rule applied when I drop my pants

First official AA meeting http://t.co/RlYojmSf

I Bet Michael Vick is loving these dog days of Summer!

Things I've learned on twitter:
Monday's suck
Several of u drink
Most of u are regular
Adele is chunky
@nottychrissy is horny

Is it ironic I'm listening to 38 Special with a 38 to my forehead