The fitting room at Macy’s smells like crayons and ballsack

I put Allah in my email subject line so #nsa has to read my grocery list

I called anorexic hotline and it said they were out to lunch

“@jeffreyr77: What’s 100 ft long and has 21 teeth?

The funnel cake line at the Kentucky State Fair.” I’m from there but funny !

My bipolar skinhead neighbor was grilling Hebrew Nationals

Why isn’t Michael Douglas doing graduation speech at Oral Roberts

Wow Michael Douglas is taking a licking!

Idea: bar called Conjoined that always offers 2 for 1 drinks

I was busier today than Flavor Flav on daylight savings time

Took my wife to the gyno today and even the sign in pen had lube on it

If I was billionaire I’d offer to show someone around my mansion and hire a dude to play “Walk this Way”

Can I count my sweet ant colony living by my kitchen sink as dependents ? #IRS

Watching extreme weight loss and if you close your eyes it sounds like a porno

Saw all the picks of Obama and Christie #barf - lets hope Obama is on top in this romance

Wife: let’s buy a monogram machine
Me: oh… yes!
Wife: mono not mammo

Has Jim carney uttered one word of truth in the last 4 yrs ?

Called Onstar & said I’ve had a blow out- they said we have the location - great so I don’t need to tell you to bring me a change of pants

My daily stats: shower then bowel movement

My wife said she wanted to go some place fancy & the vibe I’m getting from her at Denny’s is threatening

Tried to steal my neighbors car and Hotwire . Com was not help