"I said tapas bar, not topless bar."
"Argh! Do you know how hard it is to get $50 in $1 bills? On a Sunday?"

A watched toaster never pops.

Especially if it isn't plugged in.

While cooking dinner, the kids jumped up and down, mouths open like cute baby birds.

Which is why I threw up on them like a mommy bird.

You don't like my kid screaming in public but you don't like it when I beat him in public. Make up your mind, got a screaming kid here.

There is no point to freezing your credit card in a block of ice if you can see the numbers well enough to order stuff online.

This is the sound of one hand jazzing.

Crappy kid's chair: $14.
Nice kid's chair: $25-$50.
Upside down bucket: $1.50.

(which also is a drum and stores toys)

I win SO hard.

It disturbs me the amount of people who find god think he wanted them to announce it on facebook.

Discovered Nutella. On jar four, thinking I'd eat this stuff on anything. Maybe not saurkraut.

Nevermind. I would.

I wish going commando had more to do with sexual bravada and less to do with laundry.

iPhone autocorrected 'me' to 'god'. It is a sign.

If, nine years ago, someone told me I'd have a slim TV to distract my kids with at resturants, I would have said "Shit! I have kids?!"

(For father's day, Tom wants me off Twitter for a whole week. He says it won't kill me. I doubt it. And this tweet...didn't happen.)

I have a bird now. Suddenly, my favorite snack of cottage cheese on newspaper is unappetizing.

My used-to-fit-but-now-too-large-thanks-weight-loss-shorts fell off during son's public tantrum.

I want 10 lbs back.

And my dignity.

"It's like playing russian roulette."

He refers to the towel I am drying my face with.

So yes, my face smells like butt.

"I need a liposuction."
"How's 'bout I suck on your belly for awhile and we'll see what happens."

Ladies and gentlemen, witness true love.

After a blowout, several stinky diapers and two logs in the tub today can only be described as the poopcalypse.

I don't care who you are, if a toy snake falls out of your blanket and wriggles on your foot you will jump 10 feet high.
Toy snake: 47
Me: 0

IF YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO OPERATE A 20 LB WAFFLE IRON THEN STAY AWAY FROM THE WAFFLE IRON.

-- New sign hotel staff have up thanks to me.