I like my running shoes to go five miles in the morning & then highlight fifty pages of text in the afternoon.

Everybody cares what everybody thinks.

Say "underwears" again. I fucking dare you.

Refinancing means I'm not making a payment this month, so… probably gonna buy an extra car or something, that money's gotta go somewhere.

just the animated gif of me slipping on a turd in K-Mart & falling into a shelf of Keith Urban CDs was worth $700 million in the Tumblr deal

"They're vitamins that taste like gummy bears but you can only have two a day." - Asshole inventor of gummy vitamins

Wes Anderson should blow our minds and throw in one character who doesn't live in a perfect room where everything's the same color.

80% of the email I get is from the flower website I used to get my mom flowers for Mother’s Day six years ago.

If there's one thing I care about when exchanging pleasantries with a cashier it's when they get off work.

Pull up next to a car at a light, roll down your window and say, "I just saw the ghost of an old lady in your backseat...'

When I wash dishes, I find a jaunty butt-cheek-dance helps to keep it fun!

If I had sex with Ann Coulter and she didn't achieve orgasm I'd be like "everyone is solely responsible for his or her own success."

*takes off his transition lense glasses* I'm a tremendous asshole.

The banjo is the garlic of musical instruments in that just a little bit adds flavor, but too much ruins the whole thing.

Adjusting for inflation, there are now 9,999 bottles of beer on the wall.

If you can't be pretty, at least do a sick machine gun impression.

JR Smith gets a drink at a bar. Tries to put money in the tip jar but misses the jar. He takes a sip of his drink & chokes on an ice cube.

"The one winning ticket worth $590.5 million was sold at a supermarket in Florida."

Of course it was.

Spent most of the day doing nothing. No end in sight.

let the chips fall where they may IN MY MOTHAFUCKIN MOUTH