It's raining so hard right now that I expect to see John Cusack getting dumped by some woman out of his league when I look out my window.

Never trust automated systems that say, "To end this call, press 9". I know how to end a phone call. I'm not falling for that shit.

My hair always looks "undecided", if that's possible.

Surprised restaurants don't recommend the best Instagram filter for every dessert.

I sort of expected to know at least a few people named Rory at this point of my life.

Doing a system restore on my computer is my version of Superman spinning the Earth backwards on its axis to reverse time.

I might be wrong about this, but I'm pretty sure it’s still legal to exercise and not tell everyone about it.

I always put both of my arms inside of my shirt when I'm pulled over because most officers will go easy on drivers who don't have any arms.

If Magic Mike and the Village People have taught me anything, it's that most construction workers are probably pretty good dancers.

If a guy hasn't called me in over 3 months, I'll usually just send him an ultrasound photo with a note that says, "Congratulations, Daddy!"

Is anyone else looking at pictures of Christmas Trees on Instagram and thinking, "I really hope no one walks in on me masturbating to this"?

Just so we're clear, posting a photo of your Powerball ticket on Facebook doesn't improve your chances of winning the Powerball.

You wouldn't believe how much time it's taken for me to send this tweet from a payphone.

I always assume that anyone I see stopped at a red light and only using one arm to air drum is listening to a Def Leppard song.

I can't believe our parents used to have to sit & wait for someone to develop their film before they could show off pictures of their food.

I need to find a wedding card that says I hope your marriage is as uncomfortable as the Joe Pesci & Sharon Stone sex scene in Casino.

Say what you will about Stevie Nicks, but she made her Ex-Boyfriend sing and play guitar on songs she wrote about what an asshole he is.

I like to walk into a liquor store with bags of booze I bought elsewhere, just to say, "You work on commission, right? Big mistake. HUGE!"

I never grimace or make a face while playing air guitar because I want people to take me seriously.

Whenever I need validation, I usually just post some ultrasound photo on Facebook & add, "Like this photo if you want me to keep the baby".