My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we?

If you like the "whore" in me, you should meet the "lover." She will fuck you ten times better.

A voice just whispered in my ear "If you shave it, they will come."

I need a man who knows how to give an hour long back massage and then, without me having to tell him, gets back in his cage.

So I asked a 23 year old how he felt about casual sex with a woman in her sexual prime... And now he's scared shitless. Poor guy.

No, Folgers, you got it all wrong. The best part of waking up is morning sex. Coffee comes in at a steady second best.

By "girlfriend," do you mean that bottle of Jergens you keep next to your bed?

I carry around a water gun filled with glitter water. That way, when married men hit on me, I squirt them. Explain that to the wife, jerk.

I just saved a lot of money on a baby by getting my period this morning.

My pussy needs to bear hug a dick.

I quit feeding and watering my expectations a long time ago.

Some guys only know how to get pussy if it's thrown in their face. Unfortunately, I throw like a girl.

I'm the type of fat chick you're actually curious about fucking. Don't pretend you don't know what I mean.

When you both try to find clever ways to fart in each others faces, the marriage is over.

Found a couple of sesame seeds in my cleavage when I took off my bra. Yep, evidence of my afternoon McRomance.

I don't mind you punishing my pussy. Just don't break my heart. It doesn't like getting fucked all that much.

I'm really looking for love but all I seem to find is sex. Sigh... Ok. I guess I will just take what I am given.

I found out, the hard way, what love wasn't before I could recognize what love was.

Every time I ask someone for a lighter it looks like they're doing the Macarena.

I'm also the kind of girl who explains to my female friends how to give perfect blowjobs, and how to enjoy anal. No wonder I don't have any.