There's a hole in my favorite sweatpants! Which is worse? The hole? Or that I have favorite sweatpants?

Wish my underwear would say no to crack.

Your boobs look great in that shirt!



Sir.

Drove for years with a driver's licsense I wasn't sure was valid but I replaced my hair straightening iron within an hour after it broke.

Just been diagnosed with early onset....


I wanna say Oscar Meyer's....

I mostly use my home phone to find where I've put my cellphone down.

Guys! Take a page outta my man's book for sure-fire romance & be sure to tell your freshly showered lady"baby, you smell all clean n'shit!"

Similar to me on twitter: incomprehensible rambling idiots.
Point taken twitter.
Point taken.

Siri, how will daylight savings affect the performance of my Playtex 18 hour bra?

Humans and gorillas differ in just 1.75% of their DNA. Me and this bag of chips only differ by 1.36%.

HIM: u got sparkly nail polish on your cuticles.
ME: it'd b nice to hear some positive observations.
HIM:(seriously) i said it was sparkly.

How about if all of you boob fanatics free up some space here and move over to "titter"?

Turn around bright eyes, a little more, NO! Left! Your OTHER left dumbass!

(why every now & then I fall apart)

Me to 4yo son: "i said get dressed, those are just different pajamas"

4yo: "I don't have a big day planned"

Women don't appreciate the silent treatment anywhere near as much as men do.

Poutine is actually Canadian slang for "blow job".
#CanadaDayFunFacts

One Direction : Up the Butt

I have the legs of an 18 yr old.




....Galapagos Tortoise.

I know exactly what I want and
I know how not to get it.

Anyone who hasn't read @pftompkins last series of tweets is dumb. They will change your lifelong perspective on in-flight safety.