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Liz Taylor is in the hospital? No. Nonono. Anyone but Liz. TAKE ANGELINA JOLIE.
Piers Morgan is WORRIED ABOUT THE BOAT. The boat. THE BOAT.
Reddit and one million dudes in their mom's basements just won the internet.
Know who should get all the credit that Obama is getting for bin Laden's death? The troops. WHO HAVE BEEN BUSTING THEIR ASSES FOR A DECADE.
"I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY AT FACEBOOK." I'M GOING TO WRITE A FUCKING MOVIE ABOUT TWITTER & WIN AN OSCAR. FUCK YOU.
TOM HANKS DOES NOT FUCK AROUND. TOM HANKS WAS THERE TO DO A JOB AND HE DID THAT MOTHERFUCKING JOB IN TEN SECONDS.
So... it took Chris Nolan like a decade to write Inception, BUT A MOVIE ABOUT FUCKING FARMVILLE WON? FUCK YOU.
JFC. I just fell off a treadmill in front of 50 people because I was reading tweets. I am tweeting this from the floor. I miss you, pride.
"Prince is really overrated. He had like maybe one ok song." THIS PERSON IS OBVIOUSLY A DEAF VIRGIN.
Just accidentally tripped a girl and, without thinking, said "come at me". I meant to say I was sorry. Fucking internet.
Oh, Anderson. "I can't see the boat" as they show the boat on air. SORRY IT'S NOT THE SORT YOU'RE USED TO, VANDERBILT.
THEY JUST ASKED IF THEY CAN DO BODY SHOTS. AT APPLEBEE'S. SERVER SAID NO AND. THEY. ASKED. FOR. A. MANAGER.
I bought fat free ice cream at the grocery store. This should not exist. From what I can make out, it's cool whip, cocoa and rabies foam.
Pretty sure Sofia's look was, "no one has ever made fun of me. what do these words mean?"
The entire Boston PD is getting so laid tonight, you guys. SO LAID.
Why am I seeing race tweets? Who cares? "yay! a white guy!" "no! why is it a brown guy?" Fuck skin color. THEY ARE MURDERERS.
EXCUSE ME. Was anyone planning to tell me about Jurassic Park 3D? I had to find out about it ON THE TELEVISION like a common motherfucker.
To the girl in front of me who just called her birth control "fuck pills" while speaking to the Target pharmacist, PLEASE KEEP TAKING THEM.
TO ALL YOU DICKS TWEETING ABOUT BRITNEY: I could take it no longer. I just bought tickets to the show. LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.
I am physically embarrassed for anyone tweeting about Once Upon A Time. HOW CAN YOU THINK ABOUT DISNEY PRINCESSES RIGHT NOW?
Just a girl who, although she knows there's an important one, has a hell of a time telling the differences between a terrordome, a pleasuredome & a thunderdome.