I'm having a problem with Call of Duty. I go to the menu... Hopefully women will have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?

If alcohol is not the answer, change the damn question!

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

You don't miss what you've never had. Unless you fall in a lake of course, and never had swimming lessons.

My parents are really old fashioned. When I say old fashioned, I mean racist...

He's been told its a blind date, so he's gone dressed as Stevie Wonder... #undateables

Wife just text me "thespacebuttonisbrokeonmyphonecanyougivemeanalternative" - does anyone know what 'ternative' means?

Today on Facebook people been getting excited about snow & been shopping. Today on Twitter at least 3 of you have fingered your own assholes

Instructions: Create Twitter account, don't tweet, follow celebs, get bored, unfollow celebs, follow funny fuckers, tweet shit, make friends

RI.P. To the 20,000 children that will die today because they have no of water or food... Fuck Whitney

To my real life friends, me saying "I got 8 Retweets and 34 stars today" is the twitter equivalent of "this one time, at band camp..."

Turns out I don't have OCD, I'm just a cunt.

Off to buy some batteries for the wife's torch, that she keeps under the bed for when I'm away. Well at least I think they're for the torch.

I've just checked out the window, the Yeovil Town supporters are just leaving for Wembley pic.twitter.com/r2Q9ngPvIE

Word of warning. The Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't quite what you may think... Ouch.

I'm a fucking twitter legend. Until about 5 minutes, when the mrs gets out the shower and tells me to shove my phone up my arse.

That moment you post a tweet, notice a typo, delete the tweet, re-type. Repeat 3 times until Tweet is conquered. That's me!

One Race From Being A Lasagna #horsenames

Djokovic career earnings £39m. Murray career earnings £21m. Amount spent on haircuts between them £4.50.

At least my son loves me.... pic.twitter.com/0L3GeB8p