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"I have aids" is probably not the best way to tell people about your multiple personal assistants.
Just to be a dick, a BP exec rolled into my work today and dumped 10W-30 into the water cooler.
Sometimes I think skinny chicks brag about eating a lot but they really don't, they just want to make fat girls sad.
isn't it always kind of insulting when your exes move on and don't commit suicide over you?
Never judge a book by its cover. Unless it says "Dr. Phil" somewhere on there. In that case, judge away.
It's funny when people tweet that they're going away and won't be on twitter for a while. Cause nobody cares.
i can't get over the teabagging movement. what's next, the pearl necklace revolution?
it's funny when parents refer to their children as numbers. like little holocaust victims.
Great. Here comes this big-headed bastard Charlie Brown and his boring, joyless clusterfuck of a Christmas special.
Weedheads: is there a such thing as 'Issac Haze' yet? If not, you're welcome.
Good pussy barely tastes/smells like pussy. Bad pussy smells like highly concentrated pussy.
You know what really leaves a bad taste in my mouth? Horrible-tasting food.
Semantics, I know, but just to be clear: you don't get "jumped" by one person. You get your ass whooped.
This is my 35,000th tweet. Yes, 35 thousand. I'd like to thank Television, for sucking. Also, people.
Giada De Laurentiis is pretty hot for someone with a freakishly giant head.
Guy pro tip: don't say the word "peanuts" fast, especially when talking about how much you love them.
She came, she saw, she....was like "Hey, can I do that coming thing again?"
It's me, bitches.
