Dear folks waiting in line for hours to vote: You are bad ass patriots.

If you don't have at least 100 books in your house then I worry for your children's future.

When a man uses the word "traditional," he's referring to a time when he had more control over your life.

Great art is the result of eccentric, individual passions, not test screenings, market research, and crowd sourcing.

I still get nervous when white people ask me to sign business contracts. They all feel like treaties to me.

For Thanksgiving, we've invited a few white folks over. Then we're gonna cook and eat them.

Gay people don't threaten my marriage; Gorgeous straight women with no boundaries threaten my marriage.

Secular socialism is more Christ-like than Christian capitalism.

If you're not filled with regret about the many poor decisions you've made in your life then you are an asshole.

Colleges are stuffed with utterly average white guys who, thru white guy networks, will get great jobs.

Many Republicans call the moderate Obama a "socialist" because they can't publicly use their preferred slur.

99.9% of men who insult female authors write shitty imitations of Chuck Palahniuk or Don DeLillo.

Dear Young White Males, a belated welcome to the 99% club. Women and brown people have been members since, oh , forever.

When will poor white people realize they're just like poor black people and vote accordingly?

Poetry and mathematics are siblings; Fiction and poetry are distant cousins.

Should I eat only those species of animal that have eaten humans? And call myself a revengitarian?

Dear Occupiers, please don't fall in love with a Third Party candidate. Let the Tea Party make that mistake.

I don't believe in magic, but I believe in interpreting coincidence exactly the way you want to.

Blaming video games for gun violence is like blaming Monopoly for insider trading & slum lords.

To celebrate Columbus Day, I'm gonna barge into a white guy's house and tell him I discovered him.