If Rolf Harris is a kiddy bad'un I will eat my 1996 copy of the Animal Hospital annual. I've seen him cry over a dog on TV, he can't be evil

If short skirts + drunkness = fair play, I propose that if you're wearing aftershave and a nice shirt I can stick a finger in your arsehole.

Oooh, 60 followers until 2000! Wow! I remember when only Stephen Fry had that many. August 12th, 1876 it was. I was trying on a new hat.

Although I don't ever listen to Danny Baker, I can't help but think axing Fearne Cotton, Jo Whiley and Sarah Cox would be more beneficial.

Just found out that @starbucksuk crush their leftover food at the end of the day so the homeless can't take it from the bin. #XmasSpirit

Worse than touching kids? RT @independent: Gay marriage is one of worst threats in 500 years, says Church of England http://t.co/arzEMZb3

Need to find a home for an adult male cat in Manc/Wigan area TODAY. Felix, 2-4 years old, needs a loving home with a garden. Please RT

I was fired from my job in removals. I always took things too far. #repundancy

I resent being resented by the people who govern me. I resent being an upstanding citizen in a country that would rather I just died.

NO DONKEYWHORE MEASLE VIRUS IS GOING TO STOP HIM FROM PIMPING ALONG...LIKE HE OWNS THE WHOLE DAMN KINDERGARTEN http://t.co/lC3Pi8w6

Fast forward 9 hours: Kate's passed out drunk wearing the crown on the royal sofa with a moustache drawn on and wotsits in her hair.

I wrote a blog post using "Back For Good" to show that Gary Barlow is a twat: http://t.co/tFe3GFZr

"We all have McDonald's in common" is the most depressing thing I've ever seen or heard in my life.

ESPRESSO NOT EXPRESSO! ESPRESSO NOT EXPRESSO!

My review of Shades of Grey: it thinks it's a naughty negligée when actually it's a neon dildo at a hen party.

Let's all try and find me somewhere to live, shall we? I have a cat, I'm nearly 24 and I can cook. I want to live ideally in s.e LDN. Zone 3

I'm not watching Big Brother. Would any of you mind giving me a second by second account of what's happening? #TwitterSatire

Magicians in manchester? I need you tomorrow night for a bar! £150 trial fee for the night, could lead to regular work. Please RT!

If you havin' #CERN problems I feel bad for you son/I got 99 protons/But the mass ain't none #HITME

All true, all correct >> 19 Things Northerners Miss When They Move To London  http://www.buzzfeed.com/samjparker/things-northerners-miss-when-they-move-to-london … via @buzzfeeduk (via @gingerspider)