First rule of Blowjob Club: Give me a blowjob

I must know what chickens look like when they fuck. Stupid, I bet. Fuck you, chickens.

Know what's better than foreplay? Fucking.

Hey, gay guy that's blowing me. When I yelled "Blow me, fag", I didn't ACTUALLY mean it. Since you're there though, don't forget the balls.

Anyone ever drunk hid their weed? Yeah, me neither, but if you did where would you have put it?

At night, do catholic parents tell their kids "Now go to sleep or the pope will come fuck you in the face"?

4 yr old son: What if I wake up scared at night. Me: Slowly masturbate yourself back to sleep, idiot.

4 yr old son: "See you later, alligator"
Me: "After while, cuntface."

Overheard: "Me and my bro were crushing that ass on Saturday." - If you talk like that, you most certainly were not with a female.

What would Jesus do? Get money, get bitches. That's what, son.

Couple black guys walking towards me. Should I play dead? What about my wallet?

Updated list of what not to wear on casual Friday: Cobra Kai uniform, Ultimate Warrior armbands, commemorative '96 Summer Games cockring

Alright, Twitter. I know you've been dying for this. I'm going to live-tweet my next masturbation session...Shit, already finished.

I know about not looking, but can I still FUCK a gift whore in the mouth?

"Get the fucking fuck out of my way" - Me. Always. To everybody.

Hey, Pam from accounting. How can you turn "my kid is sick" into a 45 minute narrative? Shut your fat fucking face. I hate you and your kid.

If I could rename your kid, I'd call him Pussy McFagBone

I bet pugs look hilarious when I came on that one's face earlier just now.

If we can train pandas to do Kung-Fu, why can't we train Germans to stop shitting on each other?

According to twitter, every guy thinks the best pictures of himself are ones taken while driving and wearing sunglasses.