When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.

If you're 34, and a grandmother, you should be allowed to smoke all the meth you want.

My drug of choice is laughter....and cocaine. Mostly cocaine. Sometimes angel dust. Molly is cool too. RT if you love Jesus.

Apparently there's never an appropriate time to call a 5 year old a little faggot.

I think it's funny to haggle over price with hookers when you're just going to kill them anyway.

Cougar is just nice way of calling someone's mom a dirty slut.

I think being mauled to death by a pack of koalas would be fucking adorable.

I like to tell knock-knock jokes to homeless people just to be ironic.

If you can afford drug rehab you obviously don't have a problem yet.

You'd be surprised how many people are into anal sex after you pull out a switchblade.

My favorite Kardashian is the one who dies first.

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

I just explained Favstar to my grandmother and she called me a faggot.

You kids like magic? Watch me turn these six hits of ecstasy into statutory rape.

I bet gay bar fights are beautifully choreographed.

I was raised by a pack of Marlboros.

Jesus is lord. Strangely enough he's also my coke dealer and gardener.

So it turns out the retarded guy at work was just French Canadian.

I like my hookers like I like my pizza. Cold the next morning.

I'd rather eat Adele's pussy on a 100 degree day than watch one episode of Glee.