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  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    After sex, I like to cuddle up to her. Wrap my arm around her, brush back her hair and whisper:

    "Welcome to rock bottom."

    • 4,372
    • FAVS
    rain4026_amesLeslieAnneKittJCLoebmarkemccollumsuperdadatronBoo_berries_dru0887WICKEDTRUTH01
    • 2,559
    • RETWEETS
    youngthorbiesuperdadatrondehati29WICKEDTRUTH01HALFniteStandbahium_CiuskiChuckleDeeDum
    HALFniteStandkjmeowPlaying_Dadrivetingbonmotsbuseysteethgentilecoontjjax44MidgetsparStevie_TalkTheDailySchmuckPAT_E_ROCKjedfudallyWookieOnUnicornMrsJekyllsHydeBuzzee09JVarsityCaptainDanielRCarrilloHairyJew4Lifemkat816GavinProbablySweetestSarcasmBigBBanterJimmySelfDestsee_more13BillFienbergBlondebizzlePanettaSexyTimeGreenSmoke_lovablelucasAHoundNamedAlbaRuggedlyMansomeDre_77___________Lani_HaydenPORNOPINIONgrumpysalmon_Ellsie_aimbywhiskey2loony1TheCiscoKidderDaphneDoo_TommyKarate______shir_smilesMikecanrantAristotlesNZ______BakeEmAwayToyzFadeAway2
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    In Hell, Twitter has a 4 character limit.

    • 3,772
    • FAVS
    SloaneAshleighcrazy_idiot666dru0887IslamAlMansyjustchunkBromanConsulfunnybeachgirlChuness_
    • 2,688
    • RETWEETS
    JayTheEmperorTomServo18crazy_idiot666smiley_BeElSa7erMadLadbahiumjustchunk
    MikeZakarianbigmachershwebby3trypedRay_stephanTimmyPumpkinpbear79jedfudallyDanielRCarrilloTheDailySchmuckSassyMcMelons10InchesPlusArrowsOfTheSunaltheneOreoSpeedwagon_see_more13killthemessngernoahjohnmac______SlipNutsTMGreenSmoke_NoLuckWantedMouVanLeeakgabri__________b00bjizzStevie_TalkI_Mee_Myself_mattelgatoshegotagronkbill_stitelerNotKarmaBrainSeducerOBiiieeeeOmarKhanNYBillFienbergReverend_Scottshwebby2__________dixie_lee_peasMish3l_AlibrzandtPrincessAlexx_____KKAlThaniAristotlesNZ______ChemBtwnUs________
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    5 year old: I wish I were older.

    Me: No you don't. Trust me.

    5: Then, I wish I were a dragon.

    Me: Me too. Me. Too.

    • 3,647
    • FAVS
    may_davenportHannahdagogoRamonaCrossenMalalcalaSJyssa144thebbibliophileCheeseboy22JessicaCasinCat
    • 2,659
    • RETWEETS
    RamonaCrossenthebbibliophileimasillypirateConFuseUs_TodayCoderInCrisislatte_dramaboobsareimpliedTaniaBradkin
    Genevieve0404MrsJekyllsHydestockejockMidgetsparMinedOvaMatterCYComedyericONEderfulTheDailySchmuckWildeThingyjeannerbeanerWonderMonkey78CarolineCaseyDaddyJewshegotagronk101RaceyRobElliottComicdfcholla
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    "Fuck! I wish I wrote that!" - Me, all day reading the shit you people write.

    • 3,614
    • FAVS
    AnnaJordan2020crazy_idiot666jaggedapeKittyShittyynanci712lions_tiedArbitralmarkemccollum
    • 2,133
    • RETWEETS
    SloaneAshleighcrazy_idiot666jaggedapelions_tiedsuperdadatrondru0887bahiumGanderGin
    DanielRCarrilloBromanConsulPS_IRuddYouThe_Just_FactoriamjeffsloanTheSanch14JorDAMN_shadoniumGreeneyedManiacahhhpatrick______GetCougarizedmegan4hand________MyFairCharity__5hael10InchesPlusAngelaEhhseagullskiwarbird622WuDaFuc
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    I separate women into two categories:

    1. Women I would have sex with.
    2. Dudes.

    • 3,740
    • FAVS
    MNman7xsp0rkxSagaciousSapien__Geffresthats_notfunnyBillsMafia72ArbitralHandy_Mandy88
    • 1,837
    • RETWEETS
    McKennaT21xsp0rkxArbitralsuperdadatronfusedudeiamangelinaxoxoBlonde4DayzDr_tharki
    JVarsityCaptainDong_Hangerseanx3DanielRCarrillohirojesusShrinkMediaGeauxSaints7910InchesPlusyasserseifmaymer75hi5yoface________Samzen_GhostOfATrophy____lawyerthoughtsmurfer28__________stumblesdrunkenjoedan2010_wangweFrankCurtisBSimplyNamedTronb00bjizzbazlyonsshadoniumEFFFFFFYOU________NoLuckWantedBudders88BillFienbergTheFearBoners____WuDaFucj_luce3MicheleAKALipsBarebakAssassinReality_Bytes1FSUSteveAristotlesNZ______this503girl______
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    "Socially awkward and shy is the new sexy." - Things I say to myself every morning.

    • 3,219
    • FAVS
    ARealTinderellatan_lushninortagabrielunguardedmomentApandaIsHerefridaycandytweeterjakTweetTheDude
    • 2,062
    • RETWEETS
    ARealTinderellaninortagabrielAlexxMirezApandaIsHerePTitia_wuyuansheng35fridaycandyemmm888
    BitzOfFitza_olivia4212jedfudallyVodkaTiemVikeeysSecretAristotlesNZ______UnicornBaxsporadicattackcarlykenfluffysuseRockendenStevie_TalkGhostOfATrophy____RudeRidingRomeoWhateverfitsme____ohwrigley________wickedmayfairlittlekitnerboyActingAnEejitshruglordOConnellComedySam19eighty______Just_Lee_1
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    Nurse: Have you eaten anything in the last 8 hours?
    Me: Just some PUSSSSAAAAYYY!
    Nurse: ...
    Me: ...
    Nurse: ...
    Me: No, I haven't.

    • 3,017
    • FAVS
    SobakinaOlgadsherb002bees_wingzagphilli_andyzachheltzelAshlinglyHisnameischris1TateRyann
    • 1,799
    • RETWEETS
    TeshaxRobinTheTombRaiserAshlinglyTateRyannEliHansenMusicCubanaMama82Roxtalledzbrenduh
    JohnDuffy21iamjeffsloannaazihahericas_twitsnapperdoo________NervousJriAmJuddyElKnuckelhombreFragileFriend____ReeMURDAxoCAMILLAxoNurseRatchet719Psyche2YourEros__BakeEmAwayToyzJuanSalton
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    To people making fun of Canada:

    I think Bryan Adams & Nickelback were just warning shots.

    Let's not really piss them off.

    • 2,731
    • FAVS
    BillsMafia72Handy_Mandy88fusedudejenniekelly95banggg_tidyyiamangelinaxoxodru0887hereholddeez
    • 1,633
    • RETWEETS
    fusedudeiamangelinaxoxodru0887bahiumninjamoose101theninjuhNotThatAwesome_attheUC
    carlykenOfficeofSteveDumbConfessionsnativerogueLindzThoughts_wangweforrestleemusicStevie_TalkBillFienberginky37____________ffolderblondecalamityFragileFriend____Miss_Firefly_SunnyGirl1717Loli_SugBBQJones28________RealSugarFree____ReeseButCallMeVmojo_bones_crimson_n_aqua____nburrrtrophies____FrankCurtisBJMFingSparksSuperApple8______EvilPandaXshiksaaa__________LuvPugdjr_102torramiTNTwatSonOfChaDanny_McH2ORandomlyMJmishakeysweetandweak______iheartguntsroadkill3xmorrisjr77DocBrown21eliserose5Werbo1937________Tetley6969Naggalie__________
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    Me talking to girls:

    Boobs
    Don't look
    Tacos
    Focus
    Gotta pee
    Is she still talking?
    Be clever
    "Indubitably!"
    WTF was that?
    You idiot
    Abort!

    • 2,844
    • FAVS
    DominicStrawThatBrutalBabetravistcreationlions_tiedHammer_ToesuperdadatronHALFniteStandMAMAGOODVlBES
    • 1,381
    • RETWEETS
    MadLadThatBrutalBabeHammer_ToeJJ94JJsuperdadatronbahiumCialoneLeethegayfarmerguy
    ClintPounder______nerdculaBillFienbergfreshestgingermattelgatoella__fraserteacup_giraffe____absolutemess______SCBamaMankyle_thatisallmrt1mBarebakAssassinFuckinmoronsNoLuckWantedNotJPomishakey
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    *Don't be creepy*
    *Don't be creepy*
    *Don't be creepy*

    "Your knees look smooth, you must bend them a lot."

    - Me, just now to girl at gym

    • 2,882
    • FAVS
    BillsMafia72rain4026_amesbiehljdKittyShittyysouthernbibongripsandtitsHammer_ToeHandy_Mandy88
    • 1,334
    • RETWEETS
    MadLadbiehljdHammer_ToeThatBrutalBabesuperdadatronkriss0625fusedudeiamangelinaxoxo
    _NinJarEndhooSKeetPotatoBromanConsulMichaelLarrickDong_HangerNinjaFuneral______infamousone96jimmy_talonsblondecalamityJadedChainsdanidangerpants__dugornot
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    A girl just referred to New Kids On The Block as "Classic Rock" & now I understand why the world hates Americans.

    • 2,530
    • FAVS
    jaggedapewestcoastphinzmandygriggsaliceonthefloorDBwolverinetravistcreationBillWillisf3lions_tied
    • 1,523
    • RETWEETS
    Mon_x_TeystephaniehwZMan40DBwolverinereyganroored_tears43ThatBrutalBabesuperdadatron
    MarkAFuqua_HuntSargaTeglaUtBillFienbergturndownfornapsMcMcmadmacBlondiethegoodWhatsHerFace33themorris23RealSugarFree____PoodasBrainSTOTLE
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    So, when I wear my phone clipped to my belt & a fanny pack, I'm a douche.

    Batman does it & it's a bad-ass utility belt.


    Double standard.

    • 2,453
    • FAVS
    jaggedapeMrsLissaBucknerBillsMafia72lions_tiedsuperdadatronSweetie_me7PrettyInCamo11EMFB7
    • 1,352
    • RETWEETS
    asrana90BillsMafia72lions_tiedsuperdadatronkriss0625fusedudeiamangelinaxoxobahium
    iamangelinaxoxoVikeeysSecretkyle_thatisallpalokinChazballparkjimmy_sharpeCpin42PetPinkElephantslave_leiaRadOrDieBoomBamBunny
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    My dream job? That's easy:

    Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.


    That's Old School Twitter.

    • 2,483
    • FAVS
    BillsMafia72Handy_Mandy88fusedudeiamangelinaxoxohereholddeezclemwindanielle_0827thegayfarmerguy
    • 1,277
    • RETWEETS
    Handy_Mandy88fusedudeiamangelinaxoxovikkaronithegayfarmerguytheninjuhattheUCsheeshyeah
    Sarcasticsapienhipchkk_Shizzle__________BillFienbergbill_stitelerSmartiepPimrel0adMyRedHairIsRealJermHimselfishTuna_LoverStarrsWariAmJuddyWuDaFucmeaganbb1________LuvPug
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    Hostess: Table for one?

    Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?

    Hostess: ...

    Me: ...

    Hostess: ...

    Me: Yes, one please.

    • 2,401
    • FAVS
    PurldclemwinNEBACANEZZAHCassiaLdanielle_0827Asbo_Unicornthegayfarmerguyaffirmafit
    • 1,324
    • RETWEETS
    bahiumELEPHANTSiNJARSthegayfarmerguyXordiumTerminusTheAlexPLimon_JelloattheUCSparkleG123
    Ivsy01belleahhkodeeezzzyouter_joshtjh4y4SeanEmenyWS_Panic__________naazihahninatreemonkeyJP_theAntiHeroDana_Bruno
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    Lance Armstrong admits to cheating at a sport most don't care about to help raise $500M for a cure that most do care about?

    Forgiven.

    • 1,727
    • FAVS
    BillArrundaletheninjuhTweetNepenthe____meonieeattheUCsheeshyeahFrecklessyewkalaylee
    • 1,600
    • RETWEETS
    BillArrundalebahiumtheninjuhmeonieeattheUCmakave219Willie1derfulhallnicks
    BillArrundalehg47Dong_HangerAHoundNamedAlbapalokinsiavalafilmbizproVerifiedJayy______sara_ashlynnScrewoff315_______Ms_Moneypenny_prttylttledittyActingAnEejitKim_pulsiveWhiskeySouredMikecanrantMatty_Lombardo____IcedCF____________tobysticCarpentersCrackKarenLyneButler
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    Ladies: Legs, boobs, butt, hair are all great...

    But, NOTHING beats intelligence and a great sense of humor! Period.

    • 2,111
    • FAVS
    Blonde4DayztheninjuhSoloPerfectionLimon_JelloattheUC_GeorgeGarciaKeliKirbyBlaineBruce
    • 1,153
    • RETWEETS
    theninjuhattheUCHenriSeraphinihemiteBthe1BlaineBruceRabadanOAlasergirl70josboy3009
    BlaineBrucePS_IRuddYouBritchie17SufficientCharm__bfrosty04________LaBelleMaeBillFienbergFathom_thisWhatYNOTGimpySunshine____kimwilliamz
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    You look like the reason they put instructions on shampoo.

    • 1,659
    • FAVS
    MidwestMess7flamshizScoobdooblesrockpond22atDevintrickortreat_btMasterOfFuryChalligatorEP
    • 1,342
    • RETWEETS
    atDevinCallieFaheyFrankFukifanoIVxaviervalentimizz_behaviourMasterOfFuryMooseHerBeaverChalligatorEP
    atDevinLani_Haydeneliserose5ConcernedSirGuyheadstrong_girlTheDailySchmuckAHoundNamedAlbaLouisGibbothatUPSdudeBlairLoudlySchgot89HollyMemphisReverend_ScottNintenDom
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    Not to brag, but I'm so fucking awesome at sex that no chick has ever needed me to do it a second time!

    • 2,062
    • FAVS
    BillArrundaleSleazySlihereholddeezlisaOoOomikedepetrisPringleMustacheskykellogg77GamersRespawn
    • 898
    • RETWEETS
    hereholddeeztheninjuhTHQ_3shemightbedrunkattheUCcollin_mcqnswingkittenjimmy2xswagg
    Arroiavodkachromejrb_85ThedudishDocBrown21BillFienbergshaztaberrySweetTweetsBROFathom_thisScotticlesGirlwithAIDSExcuseMeMandiJust_Lee_1
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    The first rule of Women's Fight Club is:

    We will stew about it for days then scream at you about it & never let you forget it, Asshole.

    • 1,759
    • FAVS
    hereholddeez_definitlymaybethegayfarmerguylisaOoOoattheUCEriKaLMcLAYerbeyToxicWorrier
    • 1,021
    • RETWEETS
    bahium_definitlymaybeattheUCmzpetal78AYerbey5oulhealerToxicWorrierpeedinyourtub____
    DanielRCarrilloGeminiJewRuns_WildMrsJekyllsHydeBrianhopecomedyTheDorkQueencixelsidgod______kjmeow_Shizzle__________
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    I don't play "Words With Friends" but I am kicking ass in "Unresponsive Texts From Chicks."


    Apparently.

    • 2,009
    • FAVS
    jjgrapeWICKEDTRUTH01hereholddeezlisaOoOomikedepetrisBeamskeattheUCNURGLEAVEST5
    • 719
    • RETWEETS
    WICKEDTRUTH01bahiumtheninjuhattheUCNURGLEAVEST55oulhealerpeedinyourtub____jumpdashark
    BillFienbergCarboslyToneLoOnTheGogingerfacedGroperClevelandMicheleAKALipsThe_imBROglioTheRandySutragoodballs
@Shock_Monster

@Shock_Monster

I'm the Han Solo of shooting first.