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  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    After sex, I like to cuddle up to her. Wrap my arm around her, brush back her hair and whisper:

    "Welcome to rock bottom."

    • 4,197
    • FAVS
    gerryhallcomedyTannerCarrieBlaineBruceDarzieDAMNWhosYourPaddy07ToolForTheJobLeonardCollettKinetic_Energy
    • 2,461
    • RETWEETS
    gerryhallcomedyTannerCarrieWhosYourPaddy07ToolForTheJob5oulhealerjackylyjadeDisNigsCrazykwirkyKerri
    rivetingbonmotsbuseysteethgentilecoontjjax44MidgetsparStevie_TalkTheDailySchmuckPAT_E_ROCKjedfudallyWookieOnUnicornMrsJekyllsHydeBuzzee09JVarsityCaptainDanielRCarrilloHairyJew4Lifemkat816GavinProbablySweetestSarcasmBigBBanterJimmySelfDestsee_more13BillFienbergBlondebizzlePanettaSexyTimeGreenSmoke_lovablelucasAHoundNamedAlbaRuggedlyMansomeDre_77___________Lani_HaydenPORNOPINIONgrumpysalmon_Ellsie_aimbywhiskey2loony1TheCiscoKidderDaphneDoo_TommyKarate______shir_smilesMikecanrantAristotlesNZBakeEmAwayToyzFadeAway2
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    In Hell, Twitter has a 4 character limit.

    • 3,743
    • FAVS
    RobertoCosta_RCSMOKEYMANCHILDfree_misterbNURGLEAVEST5Kristinaperez17DrMonicaQuezadaSeiYoung83bendymommy
    • 2,656
    • RETWEETS
    SMOKEYMANCHILDjosephdesai015oulhealerfree_misterbNURGLEAVEST5SeiYoung83alfiecloversfuzzlime
    MikeZakarianbigmachershwebby3trypedRay_stephanTimmyPumpkinpbear79jedfudallyDanielRCarrilloTheDailySchmuckSassyMcMelons10InchesPlusArrowsOfTheSunaltheneOreoSpeedwagon_see_more13killthemessngernoahjohnmac______SlipNutsTMGreenSmoke_NoLuckWantedMouVanLeeakgabri__________b00bjizzStevie_TalkI_Mee_Myself_mattelgatoshegotagronkbill_stitelerNotKarmaBrainSeducerOBiiieeeeOmarKhanNYBillFienbergReverend_Scottshwebby2__________dixie_lee_peasMish3l_AlibrzandtPrincessAlexx_____KKAlThaniAristotlesNZChemBtwnUs________
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    "Fuck! I wish I wrote that!" - Me, all day reading the shit you people write.

    • 3,579
    • FAVS
    gerryhallcomedyChrisPosey1Michelle3ocaltjhutchings71closetedgroupieTruthDonorToxicWorrierbetamaxx21
    • 2,112
    • RETWEETS
    closetedgroupie5oulhealerdepressedchica969shadesoftaarDJC_NWUKKCCO_ny_516BoobzAndBrainzDiaryOfBette
    The_Just_FactoriamjeffsloanTheSanch14JorDAMN_shadoniumGreeneyedManiacahhhpatrick______GetCougarizedmegan4hand________MyFairCharity5hael10InchesPlusAngelaEhhseagullskiwarbird622WuDaFuc
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    5 year old: I wish I were older.

    Me: No you don't. Trust me.

    5: Then, I wish I were a dragon.

    Me: Me too. Me. Too.

    • 3,306
    • FAVS
    DrunkestMomMinusCDPlusMcTastyBottomgerryhallcomedyashtyndavisGenny_jelloBlaineBruceruraljules
    • 2,368
    • RETWEETS
    swingcrusadergerryhallcomedyjadesterbabyBlaineBruceJinxy00eatchocolate00moondaisyvxnohcrazylolita
    Genevieve0404MrsJekyllsHydestockejockMidgetsparMinedOvaMatterCYComedyericONEderfulTheDailySchmuckWildeThingyGoggnerWonderMonkey78CarolineCaseyDaddyJewshegotagronk101RaceyRobElliottComicdfcholla
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    I separate women into two categories:

    1. Women I would have sex with.
    2. Dudes.

    • 3,679
    • FAVS
    free_misterbbendymommypeedinyourtublasergirl70turkeyheadmaceminixonejmichaels1Kappa_Kappa
    • 1,804
    • RETWEETS
    free_misterbpeedinyourtubturkeyheadmacejmichaels1KennedyCurse29BigRetweetsSocial_Mimeraeanne55
    Dong_Hangerseanx3DanielRCarrillohirojesusShrinkMediaGeauxSaints7910InchesPlusyasserseifmaymer75hi5yoface________Samzen_GhostOfATrophy____lawyerthoughtsmurfer28__________stumblesdrunkenjoedan2010_wangweFrankCurtisBSimplyNamedTronb00bjizzbazlyonsshadoniumEFFFFFFYOU________NoLuckWantedBudders88BillFienbergTheFearBoners____WuDaFucj_luce3MicheleAKALipsBarebakAssassinReality_Bytes1FSUSteve__________AristotlesNZthis503girl______
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    "Socially awkward and shy is the new sexy." - Things I say to myself every morning.

    • 3,181
    • FAVS
    Sherlock1456QuinnchopsshrlyujstEriKaLMcL_Hiphophooray_lasergirl70MwamburiMaolebarby_bear
    • 2,035
    • RETWEETS
    shrlyujstAllyLeFevreeBeaautiful_Mess5oulhealerStop_Shootinglns0mnlakAarushi_GSarahSecord
    BitzOfFitza_olivia4212jedfudallyVodkaTiemVikeeysSecretAristotlesNZUnicornBaxsporadicattackcarlykenfluffysuseRockendenStevie_TalkGhostOfATrophy____RudeRidingRomeoWhateverfitsme____ohwrigley________wickedmayfairlittlekitnerboyActingAnEejitshruglordOConnellComedySam19eighty______Just_Lee_1
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    Nurse: Have you eaten anything in the last 8 hours?
    Me: Just some PUSSSSAAAAYYY!
    Nurse: ...
    Me: ...
    Nurse: ...
    Me: No, I haven't.

    • 2,852
    • FAVS
    gerryhallcomedy5haelElizacalNasdaqistanTerriJeanMaplesFrankCurtisBDaringDareBearshrlyujst
    • 1,712
    • RETWEETS
    FrankCurtisB5oulhealertheDanLawlerSteck412CaliWantsMeDeboThaCrooked_ParallelPARKERTylismanShakir
    JohnDuffy21iamjeffsloannaazihahericas_twitsnapperdoo________NervousJriAmJuddyElKnuckelhombreFragileFriend____ReeMURDAxoCAMILLAxoNurseRatchet719Psyche2YourEros__BakeEmAwayToyzJuanSalton
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    To people making fun of Canada:

    I think Bryan Adams & Nickelback were just warning shots.

    Let's not really piss them off.

    • 2,719
    • FAVS
    bendymommy1thingincommonNiddlennehyperblastchicMrIncredidrunkbongripsandtitsJoshuaMileshpeedinyourtub
    • 1,623
    • RETWEETS
    hyperblastchictorieannesaltpeedinyourtubmagicgoat1MrsJekyllsHydejennygurl7272FemmeFatale1331wolfmannjr
    carlykenOfficeofSteveDumbConfessionsnativerogueLindzThoughts_wangweforrestleemusicStevie_TalkBillFienberginky37____________ffolderblondecalamityFragileFriend____Miss_Firefly_SunnyGirl1717Loli_SugBBQJones28________RealSugarFree____ReeseButCallMeVmojo_bones_crimson_n_aquanburrrtrophies____FrankCurtisBJMFingSparksSuperApple8______EvilPandaXshiksaaa__________LuvPugdjr_102torramiTNTwatSonOfChaDanny_McH2ORandomlyMJmishakeysweetandweak______iheartguntsroadkill3xmorrisjr77DocBrown21eliserose5Werbo1937________Tetley6969Naggalie__________
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    Me talking to girls:

    Boobs
    Don't look
    Tacos
    Focus
    Gotta pee
    Is she still talking?
    Be clever
    "Indubitably!"
    WTF was that?
    You idiot
    Abort!

    • 2,822
    • FAVS
    BlaineBruceMommyToonlasergirl70jaymes_00strongtruckinFreak_Storm_MrRogerFlattbendymommy
    • 1,367
    • RETWEETS
    SoLongStephenjaymes_00nancy_yogapantsFreak_Storm_fuzzlimeMrRogerFlattpeedinyourtubMrsJekyllsHyde
    ClintPounder______IntrepidDeviantBillFienbergfreshestgingermattelgatoella__fraserteacup_giraffe____absolutemess______SCBamaMankyle_thatisallmrt1mBarebakAssassinFuckinmoronsNoLuckWantedNotJPomishakey
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    *Don't be creepy*
    *Don't be creepy*
    *Don't be creepy*

    "Your knees look smooth, you must bend them a lot."

    - Me, just now to girl at gym

    • 2,827
    • FAVS
    gerryhallcomedyBlaineBrucekarlainvtDaringDareBearAlbertCudlbankaren1313harrisIAmBethanyHionly1bgirl
    • 1,303
    • RETWEETS
    karlainvtkaren1313harrispsychedelicsins5oulhealertheDanLawlerpeedinyourtubJenniferErvin13SirMarrow
    _NinJarEndhooSKeetPotatoBromanConsulMichaelLarrickDong_HangerNinjaFuneralinfamousone96jimmy_talonsblondecalamityJadedChainsdanidangerpants__LogikalLiving
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    A girl just referred to New Kids On The Block as "Classic Rock" & now I understand why the world hates Americans.

    • 2,514
    • FAVS
    gerryhallcomedyalmostnandsfailure9876danielvienswingkittenmf0x00Cocoluv1908nancy_yogapants
    • 1,508
    • RETWEETS
    5oulhealerlasergirl70fuzzlimelifeisaMAYESingFemmeFatale1331HunnerGoMeowdick_ishKennysDead
    MarkAFuqua_HuntSargaTeglaUtBillFienberglwhit_the_bossMcMcmadmacBlondiethegoodWhatsHerFace33themorris23RealSugarFree____PoodasBrainSTOTLE
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    So, when I wear my phone clipped to my belt & a fanny pack, I'm a douche.

    Batman does it & it's a bad-ass utility belt.


    Double standard.

    • 2,436
    • FAVS
    BlaineBruceMommyToonbendymommydontwrryowlwaitJesKeepSwimmingMeaganTWellsnaughtywriter2iamporgy
    • 1,340
    • RETWEETS
    MommyToonlasergirl70dontwrryowlwaitJesKeepSwimmingAcha_Chasyafanaughtywriter2abdulwadhood0iamporgy
    VikeeysSecretkyle_thatisallpalokinChazballparkjimmy_sharpeCpin42PetPinkElephantslave_leiaRadOrDieBoomBamBunny
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    My dream job? That's easy:

    Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.


    That's Old School Twitter.

    • 2,469
    • FAVS
    gerryhallcomedyfailure9876Digs1000kimerellababyswingkittenToxicWorriertxbailey4thedojonerd
    • 1,267
    • RETWEETS
    swingkitten5oulhealerroygbiv45fuzzlimeMarsBoltaBobdogwiborder4terrierbendymommy
    Sarcasticsapienhipchkk_ShizzleBillFienbergbill_stitelerSmartiepPimrel0adMyRedHairIsRealJermHimselfishTuna_LoverStarrsWariAmJuddyWuDaFucmeaganbb1________LuvPug
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    Hostess: Table for one?

    Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?

    Hostess: ...

    Me: ...

    Hostess: ...

    Me: Yes, one please.

    • 2,379
    • FAVS
    BwanaChrisAnnoyzathothDrunkestMomLindaInDisguise2muchimfoPc7918BRADStupidSophia_Kellen_B_
    • 1,313
    • RETWEETS
    rankingTweetssigns4himJubafisherseethers2Ivsy01BlaineBruce5oulhealerlasergirl70
    Ivsy01belleahhkodeeezzzyouter_joshtylerisajoke1SeanEmenyWS_Panic__________naazihahninatreemonkeyJP_theAntiHeroDana_Bruno
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    Lance Armstrong admits to cheating at a sport most don't care about to help raise $500M for a cure that most do care about?

    Forgiven.

    • 1,716
    • FAVS
    BlaineBruceshrlyujstEriKaLMcLfailure9876swingkittencarolinagirl2255oulhealertheDanLawler
    • 1,593
    • RETWEETS
    hallnicks5oulhealernewstart43CaptainAwesomePSoLongStephenfavstar_historyHunnerGoMeowdick_ish
    hg47Dong_HangerAHoundNamedAlbapalokinsiavalafilmbizproVerifiedJayy______sara_ashlynnScrewoff315_______Ms_Moneypenny_prttylttledittyActingAnEejitKim_pulsiveWhiskeySouredMikecanrantMatty_Lombardo____IcedCF____________tobysticCarpentersCrackKarenLyneButler
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    Ladies: Legs, boobs, butt, hair are all great...

    But, NOTHING beats intelligence and a great sense of humor! Period.

    • 2,106
    • FAVS
    _GeorgeGarciaKeliKirbyBlaineBrucebendymommyRabadanOAlasergirl70zackchapalonieXentRic_
    • 1,151
    • RETWEETS
    HenriSeraphinihemiteBthe1BlaineBruceRabadanOAlasergirl70josboy3009kaitreedTheLongCommute
    BlaineBrucePS_IRuddYouBritchie17SufficientCharmbfrosty04________LaBelleMaeBillFienbergFathom_thisWhatYNOTGimpySunshine____kimwilliamz
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    Not to brag, but I'm so fucking awesome at sex that no chick has ever needed me to do it a second time!

    • 2,051
    • FAVS
    ToolForTheJobOnly1ElyseEriKaLMcL_Hiphophooray_swingkittenToxicWorriernewstart43SoLongStephen
    • 893
    • RETWEETS
    collin_mcqnswingkittenjimmy2xswagg5oulhealerToxicWorriernewstart43SoLongStephenalstonboy4315
    Arroiavodkachromejrb_85ThedudishDocBrown21BillFienbergshaztaberrySweetTweetsBROFathom_thisScotticlesGirlwithAIDSExcuseMeMandiJust_Lee_1
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    You look like the reason they put instructions on shampoo.

    • 1,617
    • FAVS
    yanbaddriEMANZAKYEriKaLMcLswingkittenlacybronze15oulhealershita3yosaysrickkondell
    • 1,285
    • RETWEETS
    ShaynaIsDrunkChristine4741toyotaman1988leafsgirl420idunowho5oulhealerrickkondellToxicWorrier
    eliserose5ConcernedSirGuyheadstrong_girlTheDailySchmuckAHoundNamedAlbaLouisGibbothatUPSdudeBlairLoudlySchgot89HollyMemphisReverend_ScottNintenDom
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    The first rule of Women's Fight Club is:

    We will stew about it for days then scream at you about it & never let you forget it, Asshole.

    • 1,754
    • FAVS
    EriKaLMcLAYerbeyToxicWorriertheDanLawlerbendymommypeedinyourtublasergirl70ShanLeeYYC
    • 1,018
    • RETWEETS
    mzpetal78AYerbey5oulhealerToxicWorrierpeedinyourtublasergirl70CbethriceFemmeFatale1331
    DanielRCarrilloGeminiJewRuns_WildMrsJekyllsHydeBrianhopecomedyTheDorkQueencixelsidgod______kjmeow_Shizzle
  • Shock_Monster
      John Solo @Shock_Monster

    I don't play "Words With Friends" but I am kicking ass in "Unresponsive Texts From Chicks."


    Apparently.

    • 2,002
    • FAVS
    NURGLEAVEST5swingkittenMsSunshineplzToxicWorriertheDanLawlerbendymommypeedinyourtublasergirl70
    • 715
    • RETWEETS
    NURGLEAVEST55oulhealerpeedinyourtubdick_ishPaperWashBonelessMelonVenusFlyTrapzFuzzy_sue
    BillFienbergCarboslyToneLoOnTheGogingerfacedGroperClevelandMicheleAKALipsThe_imBROglioTheRandySutragoodballs
@Shock_Monster

@Shock_Monster

I'm the Han Solo of shooting first.