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Me: I found a job!
Mom: That's great! What is it?
Me: debt collection!
Me: I think you know why I'm calling.
My wife and I play this game where we pretend to love each other, so our daughters don't grow up to be strippers.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
I make my children listen to people like Pink Floyd and Bob Marley so they learn the difference between Chris Brown and music.
An 18 year old kid just called me a bitch. His friends just called him an ambulance.
An 8 yr old boy was screaming at the grocery store because his mom wouldn't buy him a Mars bar. So I bought one and ate it in front of him.
Stretch marks just mean you earned your sexy.
My wife wants to use my phone right now. Everyone be cool.
I'm man enough to pick up a dead bird in my yard, but not without speed walking on my tippy toes.
Followed a guy who said he was a bus driver. He was funny as fuck. Followed a guy who said he was a comedian. He shoulda been a bus driver.
Just found out I got another A in my daughter's science class.
My wife's safe word is ouchmotherfuckerwhatthefuck!
Other than the whole married thing, I'm pretty fucking available.
I know my RTs don't make a huge difference, but I'm still saying you're worth telling my friends about.
Things that suck if you have to start them over:
Lego replica of the death star.
Anything men can do, women can do in heels.
My daughter is making a little book about me. So far my favorite things are my phone and humping mom's bum when she's looking in the fridge.
You know it's borderline chronic when your wife writes "this is for hands only" on lotion bottles.
Ladies, if he has to pay someone to change his tire, imagine what he can't do with a vagina.
I think I'd love my wife a lot more if she was a little less Pinterest and a lot more Twitter.
If you're reading this, you're about to make a grave error in judgement.