A sane woman is one that actually knows that she's crazy.

When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states," the other state is always Kentucky.

Don't feel bad if I forgot your name after we had sex. I probably forgot what I told you my name was, too.

A woman's asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're gonna put your tongue on it.

Just did the calculations.

A maid, cook, and a bunch of hookers are still cheaper than a wife.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

"The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago."

I'm not a pornstar, but I did play one in a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Girl invited me to a "party in her pants." But I heard the hosts were crabby and that she'd already invited a bunch of dicks.

I don't remember taking this vow of celibacy, but I'm proud of how well I'm sticking to it.

Witty and Pretty is more deadly than Smith & Wesson.

Even the Care Bears don't give a fuck anymore.

Your pussy may not be any of my business, but I'm probably going to stick my nose in it anyway.

It's not that I'm a "chubby chaser"; it's just that they're the only ones that I've been able to catch.

If you’re asked a yes/no question by a woman, there’s usually more than one wrong answer.

I don't have sex with random strangers. I carefully select my strangers.

She said phone sex was childish, but I still made her answer the Dixie Cup on her end of the string.

It's hard to do a field sobriety test in cowboy boots

and drunk.

You show me a girl who can’t cook, and I’ll show you a one night stand.

I just assumed the movie was about fixing Back Mountain.

If Betty White would take off her bra, she'd win two more SAG awards.