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When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states," the other state is always Kentucky.
Don't feel bad if I forgot your name after we had sex. I probably forgot what I told you my name was, too.
A sane woman is one that actually knows that she's crazy.
A woman's asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're gonna put your tongue on it.
Just did the calculations.
A maid, cook, and a bunch of hookers are still cheaper than a wife.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
"The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago."
Girl invited me to a "party in her pants." But I heard the hosts were crabby and that she'd already invited a bunch of dicks.
I'm not a pornstar, but I did play one in a Holiday Inn Express last night.
I don't remember taking this vow of celibacy, but I'm proud of how well I'm sticking to it.
Your pussy may not be any of my business, but I'm probably going to stick my nose in it anyway.
It's not that I'm a "chubby chaser"; it's just that they're the only ones that I've been able to catch.
Witty and Pretty is more deadly than Smith & Wesson.
Even the Care Bears don't give a fuck anymore.
It's hard to do a field sobriety test in cowboy boots
I don't have sex with random strangers. I carefully select my strangers.
She said phone sex was childish, but I still made her answer the Dixie Cup on her end of the string.
You show me a girl who can’t cook, and I’ll show you a one night stand.
I just assumed the movie was about fixing Back Mountain.
If you’re asked a yes/no question by a woman, there’s usually more than one wrong answer.
I didn't join twitter to feel validated. I came here to get violated.