One day we'll open Twitter & it'll just say:

Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.

Licking something to discourage others from stealing it may be how oral sex was invented.

I don't care what you think you saw, if I deleted it, that shit never happened.

~ Twitter Law.

Never fuck the same mistake twice.

I can't wait for integrity to be cool again.

I've done a few things I've been ashamed of, but at least I never played FarmVille.

Things I now know:

Weirdness is endemic.
Laughter is addictive.
Everybody needs someone.
We all have issues.
Love might hurt.
Keep smiling.

Twitter: Loners, moaners, stoners and boners.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a DM.

Telling a depressed person to cheer up is, quite frankly, like telling an amputee to grow an arm.

If it was that easy, they'd have done it.

What's that, Lassie? There's a whole population trapped in a social network?

I think the term 'unexpected guest' is an oxymoron. I prefer to call them intruders.

I read 3 books a week before finding Twitter. I kind of hate you.

How one woman describes another tells you everything you need to know about the first woman's insecurities.

If you retweet someone the exact same time they retweet you, you get pregnant.

Everybody knows that.

Sometimes a woman just wants a man to say, 'Shhh,' and then fuck that bad mood out of her.

If only you could Google how someone felt about you.

Retweeting is saying: I couldn't have said it better myself. Well, maybe I could. But you said it first.

In case my underwear ever becomes something between you and your goal: Tequila

If it looks like a whore; tweets like a whore and DMs like a whore?

It's a man.