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Finally celebrating Mothers Day the way I wanted to all along...lying on my bed on twitter. Stay in the fucking living room you little shits
Jager farts are wrong. So so so so so so wrong.
Happy Mothers Day, bitches! Mom, thanks for having that affair at the Airport Holiday Inn in 1979. Life would of been boring without me.
Some jackwagon just tried to race his big truck vs. my Dodge Caravan at a green light. When he took off I had to laugh probably cost him $2.
I think my dog's pregnant. Whore.
Only thing more humiliating than being a man crying watching Dave Matthews perform (on tv) is having a witness tweet about it, Travis.
When youn think your sneakin a toke in your car only to look up in a cloud of smoke and see someone watching you #stonerproblems
If you've never had "coming down off meth sex" you've never really fucked.
If a man speaks and there's not a woman around, is he still wrong??? #IsayYes
Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm emotionally unstable, please love me.
Note to cutters: We know you do it for attention. Next time shove some paperclips or something in the wounds. Go for bad-ly infected.
Sorry, I stabbed you in the neck while you were sleeping. I just woke up from a dream where you cheated on me. It was your fault, really.
Its impossible NOT to be excited about the Dorito Loco taco. Who cares if its not meat? Its a Dorito shell. Dorito. Shell. #truth
Call me crazy but I S/O, star, RT, #Hastag and reply to @'s. My tweets are lame too, kinda like yours. It takes a dummy to tweet a dummy, dummy!