Power went out at the office. No Twitter, no e-mail, no Facebook. Everyone just wandered around, introducing themselves to each other.

I always bring the sexy, which saves me from having to show up with a bottle of wine, a covered dish or a nonperishable canned good.

At the office alone at 1 a.m. Think I'll take a stapler from someone I don't like and leave it on the desk of someone else I don't like.

Kim Jong Dead. Not just Il.

Mayan women do it like there's no tomorrow.

I don't mean to get all sexy on everybody, but I've got a bunch of barbecue pork rind crumbs on my lap.

Weight-loss tip: Buy only one candy bar at a time from the snack machine at work. You'll walk an extra 40-80 feet per day

Often I try to favorite a tweet but hit "reply" by accident, but I don't have anything to say and there's a really uncomfortable pause.

Every tweet ever tweeted begins with an implied "None of y'all asked my opinion, but ..."

Clint Eastwood will appear on the Ellen Show this week. John Wayne wins.

I'll bet John Edwards' future cell mates appreciate the work he did making cigarettes more expensive.

A few reasons Dale Murphy should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame...  http://www.sidewaystrav.com/2012/12/dale-murphy-should-be-in-baseball-hall.html?spref=tw … @dalemurphy3 @chadwickmurphy @tay_murph @

Twitter would be better if someone occasionally came around with a tray of cocktails.

My Twittercide is going to be Charles Whitman-style. I'll hack my way to the top of the leaderboard and commit atrocities until shot down.

I was so much smarter than this when I was 19. Good thing I'm better looking now.

@acoustic_cutie @tobykeithmusic Working too many red solo cups at a time is dangerous, especially if there are spit cups in the room.

Not sure what Ford recommends, but every 3,000 miles I clean the bicycle shorts out of my pickup's grill.

I'll bet more than a few visits to Surprise, Arizona, have resulted in disappointment.

Bluegrass fans: @theroysonline are on #CMchat with @jessicanorthey http://t.co/J97eLfBs

@joycollinsmusic Traffic stopper.