Is cuntastic a word yet? Please let it be a word.

Little newborns are a blank sheet of paper ready to be filled with all types of miraculous things. I just draw dicks on their foreheads.

I don't care how weird your laugh is. If you're laughing then I think its worth hearing.

Green hoodies don't scare me!

Funeral Pickup Line: His death, unlike my orgasm, was premature.

Judging by how much you guys like butt stuff I'm guessing one of your ancestors invented the first suppository.

Alcohol makes my emotions swing more than a drunk toddler at a play park. (If the toddler is me and the play park is drunk too.)

If Pink Floyd doesn't make you want to fuck on heavy drugs you are dead to me.

@naan_conformist my words can move mountains and stop the tides and make the ladies feel all tingly inside. Biatch!

You actually google your tweets before you tweet them? Hahaha! Do you also cuddle with the prostitutes before beheading them? Pussies!

I love myself but myself loves me. Myself and I are friends but this is ruining our friendship. Love is hard. Or is schizophrenia hard?

@thedumbmuse @blackgodson YOU'RE A JELLYFISH?! Fuck! That's the alcohol speaking. Sorry.

Whenever I steal a tweet and someone catches me I tell them I stole it from someone else and send them all on wild goose hunts. Suckers :D

How long till sluts evolve? Asking for a sister.

I only steal your tweets and tell them to my friends so they'd think I'm funny and witty and sexy. And you'll never ever find proof of that.

Once I was high and it took me two hours to watch a sixty minute movie. Is that normal?

You can't spell anything without letters and I clearly have no idea what I'm talking about or how to use this joke format.

@baddbryant Carpet layers, hieroglyphics, 52 95 73 21 8 31 29 50

I woke up naked today and found the vodka bottle I was drinking last night in bed next to me smoking a cigarette.

First I was like: I'd kill you all right now! Then I was like: But I love you. Then I was like: But I'm angry :( Then I was like: Alcohol :D