If I'd been born female, every wall in my house would be mirrored, and you'd have to pry my fingers from my cooch to fuck me.

I'm sure I could come up with something clever if everyone inside my head would just shut the fuck up for a minute

There's very little difference between a 24 y.o. man and a 44 y.o. man, aside from the encyclopedic knowledge of ways to make you orgasm.

"Masturbating" sounds so crass. I prefer to think I'm "exfoliating" my dick. Related - pinkie out adds a classy touch.

The fact that terrorists dream of 72 virgins vs. one MILF who knows the twisty-hands blow job trick is proof of their insanity.

Nothing is more erotic than the inexplicably twisted dance of an intelligent, erratic mind.

Mother-in-law just uncrossed her legs. From the stench, I'd guess she's celebrating Yeaster today.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.

Give a wife a fish, you'll hear how Deb's hubs gave her 3 fish & has a good job & fucks good....

On good days, I laugh at myself enough for all of us. I do that on bad days too, but in a more maniacal tone punctuated by sobs and screams.

JK on that last one... If I'd been born female, I'd have died sometime during adolescence. Of starvation. While masturbating. With a mirror.

Remember that first blow job? Me neither... just woke up to a rancid hobo taste in my mouth and a missing wallet.

"Rubbing alcohol" my ass... I tried "rubbing" with some... ran screaming at a full sprint in a 3 foot circle for 10 min .

I think it's funny how some guys here act like they wouldn't fuck Sarah Jessica Parker, or any other female celebrity... or non-celebrity.

Rarely, but sometimes, I witness scattered jewels strewn from a delicious mind-- jewels that in shape and hue, reveal desires so like mine.

Ahh, weekend... you sexy little whore. Daddy's home.

I'm honestly amazed that short-buses don't outnumber the longer variety these days....

I just realized... every single woman, even the less attractive ones... they all have vaginas! ALL of them!

My God, the possibilities....

I swear, the shit I just took screamed something in ancient Sumerian in the voice of a thousand tortured children as it submerged.

FYI - If the wife feels she's being hit on, and asks if you're worried, uncontrollable laughter is an inappropriate response... apparently.

She stood naked, and exposed-- bared to me in the most meaningful of ways-- though fully clothed. And, I saw all of her.