Why in the HELL is the word 'lisp' spelled with an 's'?

Maybe Jagger's got the moves like me. Did anyone ever stop to think about that?

I don't want a lot of happy pictures taken of me. It'd only be inevitable that they'd end up in a montage when things went tragically wrong.

Twitter drains my battery almost as fast as it drains my life.

All my kids' clothes are always on the floor. The only way to tell what's "dirty" is what's inside-out.

I know it's supposed to be a threat, but can you imagine what it would smell like to actually open up a can of whoop-ass?

I bet Tom from MySpace hates Mark Zuckerberg from Facebook and Twilliam Twitterson from Twitter so frickin' bad.

I wish my butthole's tolerance for spicy food would catch up to my taste buds.

My 6yo is giddy over her 1st library card. "Now I can check out books all by myself, daddy!" Seducing her to the Dork Side little by little.

Shout out to dudes who use the term "lover". Keepin' it creepy.

Sorry, other drivers! I was tweeting! Yeah, I'm on Twitter right now! I know, right? What's your Twitter name? Follow me!

If TV commercials have taught me anything, it's that the guy in the dark suit is much more "in-the-know" than the guy in the brown suit.

On the phone to my wife just down the street: "Yes, it's raining here too, honey. I know, I see it."

That awkward moment when the waiter says, "Enjoy!" and I say, "Thanks, you too!"

I Googled "soul food" and I've never felt whiter.

I wish I had the drive to pursue anything as hard as principal Rooney did chasing Bueller.

Is it weird that I stick around the office after everyone's gone so I can go around and sniff their chairs?

I broke my usual razor with the 5 blades and now I have to use a disposable 3-blade one like a freakin' pilgrim.

I don't know why I'm watching this. My kids aren't even here! I'm changing this right--wait, was that a lion chasing a monkey? Hahaha!

And so what if my oral hygiene practice consists mostly of swishing with peppermint Schnapps?