Little girls want to grow up to be Mrs Justin Bieber, but that's silly. If he continues to be rich&famous, his wife probably isn't born yet.

I hate dishonesty, but if I win too many board games in a row, nobody will play with me again.

Socrates: The unexamined life is not worth living. Me: The tediously over-examined life isn't so great either.

A pregnant woman survived being struck by lightning. Fun baby name ideas: Thor, Zeus, or Jupiter.

Mall Easter bunnies usually look more like the Donnie Darko rabbit than a springtime bunny.

They should start off driver's ed with matchbox cars and a tiny model town landscape because it would be helpful & adorable.

I would have been fine never knowing about dust mites.

It's weird to think that there are more James Bond movies than Ernest movies.

I like to imagine the garden I'll someday have. Imagination: no insects/spiders. Reality: horrible insects/spiders everywhere.

Before the Internet, I didn't know how much people hated each other.

If I were a comic strip character, it'd be fair to say that I'd always have a "Did I leave the stove on?" bubble over my head constantly.

If regular Walmart shopping is scary, on Black Friday it's gonna be like Thunderdome.

I'd only watch Dancing with the Stars if Keanu Reeves got to dance with Alex Winter.

@drangula Out of all the things I've heard Gwyneth Paltrow do, naming her kid Apple is the least irritating.

Pop culture is passing me by. I'm already 2 Planet of the Apes remakes behind everybody else. Meh.

@drangula Maybe men are better at institutional misogyny, but women are better at personal misogyny.

I wish all gangs were choreographed by Jerome Robbins with music by Leonard Bernstein.

Just tell me what I want to hear, but also make it the truth.

Tim Burton should make another Batman movie, but the added twist would be that it would have to be in stop motion.

I lost my reusable water bottle while shopping Wednesday. I came across it today in the local TJMaxx, but it's dead to me now.