Poor life choices taste exactly like ramen noodles.

Are they still unmentionables if I just mentioned them?

Honesty is the best fallacy.

The world is so much kinder to attractive people.

I hated your tweet. But, you had 49 stars, so....

I heart everybody. Because, you know, vodka.

I think the secret is to be crazy enough to be good in bed but not crazy enough to warrant a restraining order.

If you have 15,000 followers and are only following back 22, Fuck you. You don't need me to follow you.

Turns out vodka makes an excellent floor cleaner. Dammit.

I hated Palin before it was cool to hate Palin.

Sometimes I look at Michelle Bachman and wonder: I'm batshit crazy, how come I"m not famous?

Sometimes delusion is the only thing that gets you out of bed in the morning.

If we aren't going to have sex anyways, you might as well marry me.

Being forced to watch or even hear American Idol makes me stabby.

Greatly offended by Yahoo's suggestion there is unusual activity in my inbox.

The best thing about bartending school is the homework.

Everything I've ever wished for came true, just at the worst possible moment for it to.

There is something very liberating about knowing that no one will ever want you for your body again. Ever.

So, you need to keep the government out of your life, but let it decide if you have kids or get married. Politics is confusing.

My grandma complimented my hair so much at dinner yesterday, I'm thinking of changing it.