I suffer from awesomnia.

Ok. I've tested it.

A "shitload" is about two hands full.

It doesn't matter who you are and what you did to me, if I see you crying after your dog died, I will hug you. As long as it takes.

Please don't leave me alone with my thoughts.

I'm on an all-time sigh.

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

Me: "God! I hate people!"
God: "Yeah, me too."

I'm MacGyvering myself a new girlfriend.

All I need now is an empty Pringles can.

I will never have a midlife crisis.

That would interfere with my wholelife crisis.

I put "pi" in opinions because I hate onions.

This fucking skinhead broke in here again, rammed and destroyed all of my interior and then puked all over the place. Goddammit. - vaginas

Don't be afraid.
Come on, follow me.

I won't use any big words.

I promise.

My girlfriend's superpower is invisibility.

<--- I'm not angry, just german.

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one but me around to hear it, because I hung myself on it, does it mean I'm fat? :(

Ok. 0 Followers. Time to fuck my way up to the top.

Due to my country's history and how it has scarred the world, you might forgive me that there is one subject I won't joke about. Lederhosen.

First Twitter law:
Write what you like!

Can you tell from my Tweets that I'm dead inside?

Sometimes a huge dick is definitely a pain in the ass... for someone else