If you use a big word in your tweet I'll star and retweet it so I look smurt.

"I fffuckeddd your mmmotherrr lasst nighttt"...
"Go home Dad, your drunk"

I purposely put typos in my tweets to maintain the illusion that I'm not perfect.

Fears kept inside will consume your soul. Release them, and they will starve to death...

Don't you hate it when a twitter crush gets all emoticonal?

I love scrolling the tl of a heavy retweeter. Revel in their good taste, and discover awesome new peeps.

If I ever come up with a funny tweet, I tell you what, that fuckers gonna be hilarious!

A smart person is smart enough to realize they're not smart.

You know it's time to go on a diet when you wake in the middle of an erotic dream only to find you've been groping your own tits.

Don't stare too long at the past, it'll make you take your eyes off the future. You won't see it coming, and that shit will run you over.

I'm so tired I think I'm might be hallucinating. The leprechaun told me I'm not, but I don't trust that little bastard.

Is it sad that I hold my followers on Twitter in higher regard than people I've met in the last few years?

They say all the feeling is in the first 4" of the vagina...Damnit, almost made it!

If great minds think alike, do all the dumbasses share the same thoughts as well? Would explain a lot...

You know what? I'm going to give a fuck, I don't give a fuck!

oh crap, I believe I have developed a drinking problem...
I just opened my last beer!

If there's one thing twitter has taught me, it's the importance of using the correct form of your.

If there's ever a zombie apocalypse I'm heading to LA. If I'm gonna be a zombie I wanna chow down on some famous people.

Beer, Jack Daniels, and Coca-Cola will sustain life for at least three days. I know this to be true.

My five yo just told his mom he "doesn't want to take a fucking shower!" Whoops...