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I'm just a girl sitting on the porch smoking a joint wondering who the fuck owns this house.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist: While you were busy arguing about the water, I drank it. Sincerely, The Opportunist.
Toddlers are assholes.
I heard drinking may cause memory loss. Or worse, memory loss.
Today wasn't worth chewing through the restraints.
Never yell at your kids. Lean in real close and whisper. It scares the shit out of them.
I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics got to meetings. I'm a drunk. We go to parties.
I don't always speak to my daughter's boyfriend, but when I do, I usually ask for large fries.
Holy fuck, America. Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.
We had Chinese takeout for dinner and my fortune cookie read, "Your country owes my country $1,8 trillion."
Don't forget to buy mom a bottle for Mother's Day. Remember, you're the reason she drinks.
My guard dog just ran away from a paper towel. Watch yourselves.
My biggest challenge today is not setting anyone on fire.
Turns out I'm a fantastic arsonist.
What's it like being a whore? Wait a minute, I know that one.
Nature's cruelest joke was turning middle-age women into nymphomaniacs.
If reincarnation existed, men would come back as spiders just to hear a woman scream, "Oh my god it's HUGE!"
Save your pleasantries for Facebook. And pass the scotch.
Hey, you know who was asking about you today?
Tonight I had to open a jar for my husband who suddenly grew a vagina.
I'm a middle-aged mom and say a lot of things I probably shouldn't.