Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist: While you were busy arguing about the water, I drank it. Sincerely, The Opportunist.

I'm just a girl sitting on the porch smoking a joint wondering who the fuck owns this house.

I heard drinking may cause memory loss. Or worse, memory loss.

Today wasn't worth chewing through the restraints.

Never yell at your kids. Lean in real close and whisper. It scares the shit out of them.

Toddlers are assholes.

I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics got to meetings. I'm a drunk. We go to parties.

Holy fuck, America. Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.

I don't always speak to my daughter's boyfriend, but when I do, I usually ask for large fries.

Turns out I'm a fantastic arsonist.

Don't forget to buy mom a bottle for Mother's Day. Remember, you're the reason she drinks.

Save your pleasantries for Facebook. And pass the scotch.

If reincarnation existed, men would come back as spiders just to hear a woman scream, "Oh my god it's HUGE!"

What's it like being a whore? Wait a minute, I know that one.

If Obama wins, think of the mess he'll inherit.

Nature's cruelest joke was turning middle-age women into nymphomaniacs.

Your secret is safe with me. I zoned out about an hour ago.

I love gambling in Vegas. Sure, I might lose $100,000 but the drinks are free so it balances out.

Him: Slow down! You're going to kill us. Me: (Turns off passenger side airbag) Not *us.*

I grabbed my sunglasses on the way out the door this morning only to discover they are 3D glasses. This day is going to be awesome.