if you plan to meet an old friend ask to meet them in a fog and use this great opening line to break the ice... "I've mist you" gode joke.

I self identify as "the ugly one" from every boyband ever.

hey boss soya im latte but i had to take a big crappucino. i know youre trying to mocha me come in early but i espresso my sadness at this.

#TomyfutureSon Simba...everything the sun touches is our kingdom.. *turns to son* but don't RT me unless you follow me.

fun thing. next time u get ur haircut say 2 barber. "just like yours please" then say "na not really urs is shit" he'll laff &do great job.

"well mom if your absolutely certain its not ghosts jacking my dick in the middle of the night then no i can't ExpLain this mess"

going to meet @dogheadcoffee for beer. he's going to so disappointed lol. fav if ur jealous of me right now.

girls like guys with a dimple in their chin i think. i have one but it is on my butt actualy its my butthole please go out with me.

@dildo_hitler i snuck away at work using the 'i need a shit' excuse. made u this instead. lol. http://t.co/n6zbYUc3

yes can't wait to go back to work *punches air* reaLly can't wait! *punches wall* just can't FUCKING WAIIITT!! *kills family*

*kid looks up from phone* "i am @rad_mouse *kid looks up from pc* "no I'm @rad_mouse *kid looks up while jacking off "no I'm @rad_mouse *kid

"do you have any champagne?" "no but i have this bottle of chamPAIN!!!" i scream smashing a bottle of beer over grandmas head at xmas.

yeah the two towers was the weakest of the trilogy but i think we're going over the top about it!!..and why today of all dayes? i confused.

Happy new rear to everyone getting an ass transplant in 2013.

but dad do i really have to sit and watch you catch ALL of the pokemon?

looking for a gf with the surname wright so wen we do a sex i can say "guess im the wright place at the wright time". Everytime.

Taken 3. @dildo_hitler hunts down people who have stolen his tweets and kills them or makes them choke on a big dildo.

@twoheadedpug i live by one rule and one rule only. Pugs not Drugs.

"wow you look like i feel and also look like me" What i say to disgusting sloppy dogge turdes all the time. i am a disgusting dog Shit.

@macewindude at school they caled him Dick Dorkins. he prayed to god for them 2 stop but god didnt answer. now he rages against god. DAWKINS