The saddest part about drinking alone is having to draw the dick on your own forehead.

For sale: running shoes, never worn.

Funny how if I have breakfast in bed I'm "romantic" but if I also have lunch and dinner in there I'm "suffering from crippling depression."

Enough about the gum, Bazooka Joe. I'd like to know why you're 12 and missing an eye.

I'm against cow tipping. Unless the service was excellent.

One of my plants just died after a long battle with me being lazy.

Every time I use a semi-colon it's a guess.

I like cake so much for my bachelor party I want a cake that jumps out of another cake.

Does no one else think it's an issue that the universal symbol for treasure and poison are the same?

My co-worker has developed a habit of borrowing my pens and chewing on the ends so I've developed a habit of sticking my pens in my butt.

Available for parties! Not to perform, would just like to be invited to one.

Last minute Christmas shopping is the adult equivalent of the Sunday night school project. Hope my mom likes this coat hanger solar system.

Lego is for children. Ikea is for adults.

In a way, isn't all of America on top of an Indian burial ground?

Hang in there, @burgerking. Heavy is the head that wears the paper crown.

Great, thanks for blaming Mortal Kombat, NRA. Now my mom won't build a time machine, go back to the 90s, and get me it for Christmas.

In CVS. Got a disposable camera and took pics of the 1 hour photo guy then had him develop it. Waited the hour, never breaking eye contact.

Was just looking up movie times and a Fandango ate my baby.

Contrary to their name, I have gained a lot of weight from Thin Mints.

What would I even have a band sign nowadays, my iPod?