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I can't wait until my son gets over this fascination with his penis and balls, and...wait, why are all the guys laughing?
I really don't get the reason for having more than one Twitter account. Why would I want to look desperately lonely multiple times?
When someone from the Westboro Baptist Church dies, I will show up at the funeral w/a marching band, color guard, Elton John, U name it.
Just think of all the great moments we would have missed if Bugs Bunny had taken the left turn at Albuquerque.
My husband has a porn collection. I don't care. I mean, it's not like I'M going to shove a beer bottle up my ass, so dream on sweetie.
..."And Justice for All (except gays, the poor, single moms, union members, immigrants, non-Christians and Atheists)" #GOPmovies
Jesus: I'm sorry, I really meant to return today, but Osama is yapping my ear off. Some bullshit about some virgins he says I owe him.
When I was asked in a job interview what I liked best, apparently red wine and dick was not the answer they were looking for.
Walmart pharmacy tech: If my kids acted like that, my mom would've grabbed me...Me: Shut the fuck up and give me my Paxil.
I hope this Rapture is more fun than the Rapture of 2000. How disappointing was that?
My daughter is watching Wheel of Fortune. Apparently, she's 9 going on 70.
I saw a 12 yo girl with a tramp stamp in Wal-Mart yesterday. I hope to god it was fake, but I repeat, I was in Wal-Mart.
I guess we can all agree that playing the Trump card is now synonymous with playing the race card.
Don't even get into a battle of words with me. I will verbally gut you like a fish.
My 5 yo son is bragging about how big his poop was. What exactly does that Y chromosome do to you guys?
Eating Greek yogurt is the closest I come to having anal.
#withyomonkeyass is trending #1, which just proves unequivocally that the economy is not our only problem.
I'd suck the little blue dicks of 100 Smurfs before I'd see that Sarah Palin movie.
"Hi, Ho'." #disneypickuplines