Life would be so much more convenient if, in addition to their condom, men would carry a tampon.

I've decided that cold weather is not my preferred method of getting my nipples hard.

I am NOT a Twitter whore! That would imply some sort of compensation for my-- oh, right. The stars. Nevermind then.

Dear Laundry,

You're getting lucky tonight ;) I'm finally gonna do you.

P.S.
Bring wine.

The order of things makes a huge difference.

Kiss --> Slap: He did something wrong.

Slap --> Kiss: He's kinda kinky.

or is it spank?

if it weren't for blowjobs, most guys would prefer women had no mouths.

If you look at someone and think they'd be horribly offended at your crude joke, chances are they would laugh more than anyone else. Try it.

Hello, Mr. Morning Wood. I'd like you to meet Ms. Morning Won't.

"You're in? Oh, I barely even felt you enter!"

Apparently that is only a good thing to say to a guy if he's a male nurse and giving shots.

Applied for a job at Hooters once. I'm not sure why I didn't get the job as I was the only applicant appropriately dressed as an owl.

Fuck this. I want the old year back.

Who's in charge of returns?

Whoever said procrastination is like masturbation obviously wasn't very good at the latter. Granted, both can bring me to a scream...

I'd like to buy a bra for someone who needs one, but I don't know their size. You think my neighbor will be offended if I just ask him?

My missed period nearly scared me to death. But I found a pencil & fixed my sentence. The oversight might have birthed a grammatical horror.

Ignorance might be bliss, so enjoy your bliss. Just know that your ignorance is fucking annoying for the rest of us.

Neighbor's football came over the fence. Hope it was just an accident because his balls don't have permission to fly anywhere near my bush.

To epileptics: Don't go where your seizure wouldn't be obvious.

So get off that dance floor! I don't want to have to catch you there again.

If plucking errant nose hairs was an American pastime, strolling through Walmart might be a little less traumatic.

I fluently read, write, and speak Bitch. I just prefer English.

Headaches are a pain in the ass. Oh, the irony.