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Pro tip: When things get awkward slowly moonwalk away.
Just read some fanfiction and now I don't support freedom of expression.
If somebody you absolutely don't know is staring at you, it's probably you from the future.
The game of tag needs a serious re-evaluation. Teaching your kids to run away from an ostracised individual who has been reduced to "It"?
Often I stare openly at passers-by and forget that they can see me too.
You can't trust someone who doesn't choose gummy bears over dignity.
There is no I in team. There is no meat in french fries. I don't know how to use this joke format.
Once again reminded that we're all hypocrites.
Carefully calculating how many exclamation marks would be appropriate to use in an email to my professor. 41 sounds about right.
Hiding underneath restaurant tables and yelling "FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE" after every order is being made. Cockles- FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!
Saw a thumbs-up-shaped cloud in the sky. If the universe "likes" today, who am I to object?
Puzzled as to why these steps to baby-proofing a home do not include the removal of baby.
If you see a girl in the library furiously whispering to herself and clearly in the throes of a crisis, that's me. Hi.
I like the smell of old vacuums.
I let Autocorrect change my 'Gnight! to Gunfights! because I believe in ending the day with a bang.
Sometimes the tweets just come to you and other times you feel like an egg all over again.
If I were to own a female cat, it MUST give birth to EXACTLY eight kittens so I can name her Octopus Mom or else it's not worth the trouble.
How do I KNOW elves don't visit every human household in the night to spray our bananas with an oh-so-slightly darker shade of yellow?!
So as not to disappoint when I do take off my head scarf I make a point of sculpting my waves into the shape of a vulture in flight.
Why can't I just rip out my soul and smear it's Realness of over paper thus magically producing a letter of depth and eloquence incarnate?
I make it rain frozen peas when I'm happy. Bona fide Lipton Lady.