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Join Twitter, they said.
It's not addicting, they said.
You can quit whenever you want, they said.
My wife hid the Star Trek movie I was about to watch and said I needed to do dishes first.
Did I just get Spock Blocked?
Laminating my man card so it doesn't get wet during my yoga classes.
Some days I'm like a machine gun, firing off tweets. Others I'm like a psych ward patient on meds, blankly staring at screen, with drool.
Some people are wise, others are otherwise.
Twitter is such a weapon of mass distraction.
Yo, Beach Boys, I can find Aruba and Jamaica on a map - but where the hell is Oohiwanateikya?
There's no correlation between how many thousands of followers some have and how funny they are.
Tweet like no one is following.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she's coming.
5 words I hope to never hear again: Will the defendant please rise
I like the fact that we're all here to make each other laugh, like this one chick who's all "Someone broke in, I'm in the closet. Send help"
<---Always the retweeter, never the retweeted
If I were bald, I would wear a hair net ironically.
Twitter needs more cowbell.
"...and now, we wait" - me, every time I press the tweet button
Maybe Chris Farley never actually died, and he's just a man living in a van, down by the river.
1 thing I learned from cartoons, is I always carry a short bamboo stick in case I meet a swarm of bees I can dive in a pond & still breathe.
Are Queen champions because they always chose to rock us, and not paper or scissor us?
I will henceforth refer to trick or treaters as "Children of the Candy Corn"
Not all my tweets are meant to be funny. Some are meant to be hilarious, in fact.