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Twitter: The bathroom stall wall of the internet.
So, Canadian ladies, I heard its boxing day. Isnt that where you send naked pictures to strangers over the internet?
Protip: tell her she has a pretty smile, not a pretty mouth
I had an ex that was 22 years old and her mom still made and took her to all her dr. appointments.
So did nobody tell the ugly girls about twitter?
Every time I get on Facebook I wanna uppercut someone with a chainsaw.
It's a hell of a thing, killing a man.
Laid down at 5 to take a nap. Woke up at 1230. I had shit to do, man.
Attention "fashionistas": High waisted shorts are just cutoff mom jeans.
I know I'm getting old because I just drove past someone's house and thought to myself "Man, that's a really nice gazebo."
Just used the popcorn button even though the bag said not to. In case you like bad boys, lady.
Shooting range or nap?
If I ever started sending dick pics it'd extravagant. Dress it up like Godzilla and build a half destroyed Lego Tokyo on my pelvis.